I stare throughout the window,
without a word nor a move,
at the numerous tower lights,
white, orange and blue,
offices or homes, I’ll never know,
a depiction of modern solitude.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life,
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too
and as small and powerless I am
facing the imminence of all happenings
like a voyeur I wonder,
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to
and how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new.

(07-08-2014, 04:41 AM)Alexearth Wrote:  I stare throughout the window, ("I stare out the window", throughout makes no sense)
without a word nor a move, ("without a word or a move")
at the numerous tower lights,(colon)
white, orange and blue, (semicolon)
offices or homes, I’ll never know, ("at the offices and homes I will never know, which depict modern solitude.")
a depiction of modern solitude.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life,
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too (remove "too" and then period)
and as small and powerless I am (remove "and" start new sentence. "small and powerless as I am)
facing the imminence of all happenings
like a voyeur I wonder, (Period after voyer (sic), remove "I wonder")
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to (I envy these live to which I am casually drawn.")
and how blissfully lone I feel ("I feel blissfully alone...")
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new. (this sentence starts 10 lines before and includes one comma.Do see anything wrong with that?)

This poem is composed of two very long run-on sentences. If you lack the grammatical and punctuation skills to write these correctly, then it is wiser to use shorter sentences. There are a number of problematic phrases like:

"like a voyeur I wonder"

There is nothing inherent in voyeurism that would cause a particular type of wondering.

"how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings"

Why should the speaker feel blissful?

"at the numerous tower lights...the flicker of these lights shows signs of life"

How does that happen?

I can understand most of what you've said, but to do so I have to rewrite it in my head. The reader should not have to do this, it is disruptive to the poem and it is not the readers job. I would suggest putting each sentence in prose form and seeing if the sentence is grammatical, and has the correct punctuation before you line it out as poetry. You may also want to set it aside for awhile (at least several weeks), and return to it with fresh eyes to see if it makes sense. This is a common strategy of most writers, especially when starting out.

Dale

(07-08-2014, 05:42 AM)Erthona Wrote:  

(07-08-2014, 04:41 AM)Alexearth Wrote:  I stare throughout the window, ("I stare out the window", throughout makes no sense)
without a word nor a move, ("without a word or a move")
at the numerous tower lights,(colon)
white, orange and blue, (semicolon)
offices or homes, I’ll never know, ("at the offices and homes I will never know, which depict modern solitude.")
a depiction of modern solitude.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life,
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too (remove "too" and then period)
and as small and powerless I am (remove "and" start new sentence. "small and powerless as I am)
facing the imminence of all happenings
like a voyeur I wonder, (Period after voyer (sic), remove "I wonder")
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to (I envy these live to which I am casually drawn.")
and how blissfully lone I feel ("I feel blissfully alone...")
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new. (this sentence starts 10 lines before and includes one comma.Do see anything wrong with that?)

This poem is composed of two very long run-on sentences. If you lack the grammatical and punctuation skills to write these correctly, then it is wiser to use shorter sentences. There are a number of problematic phrases like:

"like a voyeur I wonder"

There is nothing inherent in voyeurism that would cause a particular type of wondering.

"how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings"

Why should the speaker feel blissful?

"at the numerous tower lights...the flicker of these lights shows signs of life"

How does that happen?

I can understand most of what you've said, but to do so I have to rewrite it in my head. The reader should not have to do this, it is disruptive to the poem and it is not the readers job. I would suggest putting each sentence in prose form and seeing if the sentence is grammatical, and has the correct punctuation before you line it out as poetry. You may also want to set it aside for awhile (at least several weeks), and return to it with fresh eyes to see if it makes sense. This is a common strategy of most writers, especially when starting out.

Dale

Thank you for the feedback Dale. Yes punctuation isn't my strength but I'm working on it. Good advice about the initial prose form!
I'll share my first edit shortly


Alex

(07-09-2014, 12:28 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote:  I can't add much to what Erthona said, except that this poem is marred by too many prepositional phrases. I counted over a dozen, which is a lot for a poem this short.

Fogglethorpe, would you have a suggestion on how to get rid of some prepositions without disturbing the flow?

I think I can if Foggleness isn't around. Stop telling us, and show us instead:

Many prepositions: There is a lamp along the side walk on the street where I live the amongst the poor.

Showing, less prepositions and more action:

The street light shines
on empty pavement.
Poverty means < threw that play on words in there for ya >
trudging alone
when even the brightest illumination
can't bring hope.




Not perfect but off the top of the head. Good luck!

(07-09-2014, 07:44 AM)bena Wrote:  I think I can if Foggleness isn't around. Stop telling us, and show us instead:

Many prepositions: There is a lamp along the side walk on the street where I live the amongst the poor.

Showing, less prepositions and more action:

The street light shines
on empty pavement.
Poverty means < threw that play on words in there for ya >
trudging alone
when even the brightest illumination
can't bring hope.




Not perfect but off the top of the head. Good luck!

Still a very good example ha! Thanks!

prepositional phrases

"in the gray desk I use." correct "I left it in the gray desk I use."
"to Taco Bell for food' correct "Let us all go to Taco Bell to get some food.

Absent the Predicate of the noun/verb pairing.

Also review Subjective clause.

Dale

Hey, I read but it confused me that what the poem is about.?

You're entitled to ask questions but this is Serious Workshopping, so this will not count toward your required critiques. You could try a PM next time/ mod

(07-08-2014, 04:41 AM)Alexearth Wrote:  I stare throughout the window,
without a word nor a move,
at the numerous tower lights,
white, orange and blue,
offices or homes, I’ll never know,
a depiction of modern solitude.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life,
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too
and as small and powerless I am
facing the imminence of all happenings
like a voyeur I wonder,
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to
and how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new.

SEE BELOW FOR MY CRITIQUE:

I stare throughout the window,
without a word nor a move,
at the numerous tower lights,
white, orange and blue,
offices or homes, I’ll never know,
a depiction of modern solitude. -I like this idea of buildings filled with flickering light and people, yet everyone is isolated from themselves. It's a good line. In the next line you talk of them showing life, (I assume you mean people living there) but you imply that already in the line about offices and homes and the one after about secret worlds etc.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life. - delete this line, maybe.
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too – what do you mean, jittery? That usually means nervous. Are you meaning nervous worlds? What does that mean?
and as small and powerless I am
facing the imminence of all happenings – maybe rewrite to this?: small and powerless as I am, facing the beginnings of happenings, I wonder, am I a voyeur? Do I envy these secret lives? But, I revel in my aloneness, facing the grandeur of my surrounds etc etc. Just a suggestions.
like a voyeur I wonder,
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to
and how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new.

I vaguely get your meaning, if it's what I think it's about, I, too, have also wondered about the lives strangers lead. As others critics said, you are way too casual with your grammar.