Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis (milo, billy)

[billy]

the edits to the 3rd and last work well. i wasn't keen on the irises part. the minute differences in the punctuation of the refrains make a big difference and stop them becoming rote, a small but good effort.

It may still need some work, but I think I've spent enough time away from it to run it through workshop it again. Tetrameter accredited to milo.



Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis

First revision:

We wrap the bones in burlap - hide
our skeletons in sweat and blood
under the dust of our outsides.

Our heartbeat's thump is locked inside
a storage unit with the crud.
We wrap the bones in burlap hide.

We box old limbs in chests beside
a book we never understood.
Under the dust of our outsides

the rain exposes veins in slides
of rock, canyons, boneyards, mud.
We wrap the bones in burlap, hide did i mention i liked the enjambment here, i do hide as it is makes me think of being told to hide then the carry on in the next verse alters it's meaning completely. great stuff.

ourselves in weathered pelts applied
to vessels stoppered for the flood.
Under the dust of our outsides

the dead man dies again inside -
his phallus is a lifeless stud.
We wrap his bones in burlap, hide
under the dust of our outsides.



ORIGINAL

We wrap the bones in burlap - hide
our skeletons in sweat and blood
under the dust of our outsides.

Our heartbeat's thump is locked inside*
a storage unit with the crud.
We wrap the bones in burlap hide.

Our irises contract when eyed
gardenias drown and envies bud
under the dust of our outsides.

The rain exposes veins in slides
of rock, canyons, boneyards, mud.
We wrap the bones in burlap, hide

ourselves in weathered pelt applied
to vessels stoppered for the flood.
Under the dust of our outsides

the dead man dies again inside
a sack aboard a skiff, and scuds.
We wrap his bones in burlap, hide
under the dust of our outsides.

*first edit inline (from milo)