Mayday
#1
final

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
ghosting in minute rouge berries.

It's a flame concealed in abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is nebulous
beneath the pond’s algal cloak,
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

----------------------------------------------------
billy/mercedes/ella/QDS/truE edit 2

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in minute rouge berries.

It's a flame concealed in abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is nebulous beneath
the pond’s algal cloak, quiescent
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

-----------------------------------
billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries.

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted
beneath the pond’s algal cloak
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

-------------------------------------------------
Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#2
I love this actually. It has a whimsical quality to it that gives a kind of lie to the scientific words you used at times
Reply
#3
(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries. great sounds here - refuge/mute/yews/blue and nightfall/tiny (eye rhyme with spirited)

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens Its. Do you really need 'in the abdomens of'?
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye. you keep the same 'u' and '' sounds going - great

My imagination's secreted in a pond I don't think 'secreted' is a good word choice, even though it does rhyme with 'concealed' and 'reed'. 'Is' is passive - why not make your imagination do something?
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache 'cape' is too fanciful for me
with timid fish among the reeds. too many directions for me here - in, beneath, inside, among

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon what a great line!
or minnow’s musing that's harder to say than 'musing minnow'
to nibble at my trolling lines. nice use of doubled-up letters here in this stanza, but 'trolling' doesn't add anything

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach. I don't think you need this stanza.


The muse is a fickle bitch! Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed it.
Reply
#4
while we,re grateful for all feedback, this isn't suitable feedback for the serious crit forum unless you have a serious number of posts under your belt/admin

(08-02-2014, 12:47 AM)dwestmor Wrote:  I love this actually. It has a whimsical quality to it that gives a kind of lie to the scientific words you used at times

part from a few small nits I found the narration of the poem to be wistful and full of wonderment. i can't remember reading a better poem from you, most of the lines carry a spark of nature that isn,t cliche. you have improved enormously since joining the forum

thanks for the read.

(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall, what voice?
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries beautiful opening lines that connect well to the title

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache cache feels like a wrong word choice and for me [inside a cache] detracts from the line
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need


one berry of a chance for me, berry spoils the poem enough to suggest a change
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines. three more almost beautiful lines,

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view is [my]a given?
and reach.
Reply
#5
(08-04-2014, 12:36 PM)Flores De Paco Wrote:  Really enjoyed your poem. I associate Mayday with a random event that requires help, but the poem uses nightfall and illumination, which are not random. Night and day are promised. I am not suggesting you should change the title, but just trying to understand it better.

Flores, thank you for your time and commentary. You are correct, Mayday is a cry out for help. In this case the narrator is pleading for aid in finding the right lines/inspiration to re-spark a love that is fading away, as revealed in the final stanza. Additionally, Mayday has double entendre in the spring theme. Cheers/Chris Smile

Billy, thanks for the encouragement, keen observations and suggestions. The first three lines initially began with 'My,' but I thought it was a bit much. However, in the light of your comment, I will consider switching the first line back. I agree about dropping the 'cache'. I like the word, but it is overkill with the 'algae' and 'reeds'. I could change 'berry' to 'fruit'. I wanted those three lines in the penultimate stanza to reflect the three preceding stanzas. Does 'fruit' sound better or do you have another suggestion. Yes, that last 'my' could be dropped. Much obliged, my friend, mentor and master./Chris Thumbsup


Mercedes, thanks so much for the read and thorough critique. It's great to have a pro review one's work.

I will take another look at those 'abdomens.' They are the proper body part and I needed a vessel to stir the flame with the luciferase. Would 'bellies' work for you?

I chose 'secreted' for the double entendre of 'release/hidden,' but perhaps it's not working. I definitely see the problem with 'beneath, inside, among'. I will more than likely drop the 'inside a cache,' but I may keep the 'cape'. Perhaps 'cloak' would work better (let me know if you like that one).

I'll consider that 'musing minnow.' 'Trolling' is to suggest fishing. I did consider 'empty.'

That last stanza is really the punchline, i.e. the cry for help, the mayday call, for a lover slipping away. I am not certain that there is a poem without it. I guess you think the cry out for inspiration to write poetry is enough. Thanks again for all of the ideas to consider during my next edit! Thumbsup/Chris


(08-02-2014, 12:47 AM)dwestmor Wrote:  I love this actually. It has a whimsical quality to it that gives a kind of lie to the scientific words you used at times

dwestmore, thanks for the reading and sharing your impressions. If you have any ideas for my next edit, feel free to suggest anything. Welcome to the site./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#6
Hi, Chris, as I love both the tiny blue berries and one berry of a chance, I googled a bit to see if a berry might be called something else. Blue made me think of juniper and the yews I found have red berries while the junipers have blue. I am not suggesting a change of blue or yew, I'd go with the poem above google, Smile, I'm just mentioning it because of your usual attention to detail and what I've come to know as your love for exactness. Here are some notes, I hope you will be very gentle with any edits.



(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.
This line woke me up and caught me.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.
Love abdomens with dew on rye, makes me hungry for a fairy canape.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.
This sits just short of overkill for me, but works. I keep wanting "of" instead of "with", as if the cache holds both his imagination and the fish.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.
Your science which sometimes jolts me works beautifully here. I like it as is.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.
The end was a bit of a surprise for me. I like it, but it's tone is different from the rest, a bit of a wake up from the dream. I'm up in the air on it.

Very successful, thanks for posting it. Smile
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#7
(08-04-2014, 07:40 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Chris, as I love both the tiny blue berries and one berry of a chance, I googled a bit to see if a berry might be called something else. Blue made me think of juniper and the yews I found have red berries while the junipers have blue. I am not suggesting a change of blue or yew, I'd go with the poem above google, Smile, I'm just mentioning it because of your usual attention to detail and what I've come to know as your love for exactness. Here are some notes, I hope you will be very gentle with any edits.



(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.
This line woke me up and caught me.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.
Love abdomens with dew on rye, makes me hungry for a fairy canape.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.
This sits just short of overkill for me, but works. I keep wanting "of" instead of "with", as if the cache holds both his imagination and the fish.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.
Your science which sometimes jolts me works beautifully here. I like it as is.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.
The end was a bit of a surprise for me. I like it, but it's tone is different from the rest, a bit of a wake up from the dream. I'm up in the air on it.

Very successful, thanks for posting it. Smile


Much obliged Ella for the read and excellent suggestions. I think that I have a 'berry' good solution to the evergreen problem. If I change 'blue' to 'rouge' I can maintain the sonics and rhyme, while being botanically correct. Thanks for looking into this detail.

That 'of' for 'with' substitution is the perfect remedy for that line, good job. I just have to decide whether I keep the 'in, beneath, inside, among' string of directions.

The end was meant to be a 'turn,' especially to turn the poem back to the title. It's the reason for the S.O.S herein, i.e. the narrating poet struggling for the lines he believes that he needs to hang on to a lover that is fading away.

Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#8
i don't one fruit of a chance works better, is there a synonym for berry can it be a different type of berry?
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#9
(08-04-2014, 09:12 PM)billy Wrote:  i don't one fruit of a chance works better, is there a synonym for berry can it be a different type of berry?

Let me see if there is an alternative to berry or fruit.

pericarp Smile

Billy, 'a seed of a chance' might work, as it is fairly self-evident that a berry encloses a seed.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#10
(08-04-2014, 09:25 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  
(08-04-2014, 09:12 PM)billy Wrote:  i don't one fruit of a chance works better, is there a synonym for berry can it be a different type of berry?

Let me see if there is an alternative to berry or fruit.

wiki:
Quote:The botanical definition of a berry is a fleshy fruit produced from a single flower and contains one ovary. Grapes and avocados are two common examples. The berry is the most common type of fleshy fruit in which the entire ovary wall ripens into an edible pericarp.

No ovary, that opens up an entirely different can of worms. Hysterical

And pericarp is just uncalled for, though it does have overtones of blue is you were staying blue.

I like a berry of a chance, I might start using the phrase: Is there a berry of a chance billy is right? Hysterical
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#11
(08-04-2014, 09:38 PM)ellajam Wrote:  
(08-04-2014, 09:25 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  
(08-04-2014, 09:12 PM)billy Wrote:  i don't one fruit of a chance works better, is there a synonym for berry can it be a different type of berry?

Let me see if there is an alternative to berry or fruit.

wiki:
Quote:The botanical definition of a berry is a fleshy fruit produced from a single flower and contains one ovary. Grapes and avocados are two common examples. The berry is the most common type of fleshy fruit in which the entire ovary wall ripens into an edible pericarp.

No ovary, that opens up an entirely different can of worms. Hysterical

And pericarp is just uncalled for, though it does have overtones of blue is you were staying blue.

I like a berry of a chance, I might start using the phrase: Is there a berry of a chance billy is right? Hysterical

Is there a berry of a chance that billy can live with berry because he is the only one who has a problem with it? Tongue

'seed' may be Ok.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#12
edit 1 is posted. billy, I am still looking to replace 'berry' for you. I have considered 'seed,' 'kernel,' 'germ', but I'm undecided.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#13
(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. I think that rogue is an improvement over blue, but to me "tiny" breaks up the flow of this stanza. Everything is kinda smooth and flowing but tiny is sharp and halting

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted I agree with Mercedes about secreted. To me, this means your imagination is flowing and "working". This is the first time in the poem for me that the poem really clarifies its purpose, but i think the imagination should be blocked up or shrouded, not virtually oozing out of you. Expecially since the speaker knows where it went, as described in the poem
beneath the pond’s algal cloak
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need nice shift

one berry of a chance, what? I just don't get it
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

-------------------------------------------------
Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.
Reply
#14
a good edit. i'm undecided which fireflies line i prefer but it reads a lot better with the changes made.

(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. i do prefer rouge

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted
beneath the pond’s algal cloak [it's better]
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance, i wouldn't worry to much about the berry
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;never noticed it but i like the feminine night in [she] and [eve]
almost out of view taking out the [my] polishes this stanza up no end.
and reach.

-------------------------------------------------
Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.
Reply
#15
(08-07-2014, 11:54 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  
(08-01-2014, 11:01 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. I think that rogue is an improvement over blue, but to me "tiny" breaks up the flow of this stanza. Everything is kinda smooth and flowing but tiny is sharp and halting

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted I agree with Mercedes about secreted. To me, this means your imagination is flowing and "working". This is the first time in the poem for me that the poem really clarifies its purpose, but i think the imagination should be blocked up or shrouded, not virtually oozing out of you. Expecially since the speaker knows where it went, as described in the poem
beneath the pond’s algal cloak
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need nice shift

one berry of a chance, what? I just don't get it
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

Thank you for your time and comments QDS. Before posting, I initially had minute for tiny. I may go back to it. Secreted has more than one meaning. Here I am using: to deposit or conceal in a hiding place. Nonetheless, I shall re-examine it's use. What you may not be getting is that...

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow

...are all references the three stanzas above it, i.e., collectively they are a plead for the spark or the germ of inspiration for the words needed to hang onto a lover that the narrator fears losing.

Much obliged for your read and critique./Chris


[quote='billy' pid='171268' dateline='1407401147']
a good edit. i'm undecided which fireflies line i prefer but it reads a lot better with the changes made.

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='159425' dateline='1406901709']
billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. i do prefer rouge

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted
beneath the pond’s algal cloak [it's better]
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance, i wouldn't worry to much about the berry
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;never noticed it but i like the feminine night in [she] and [eve]
almost out of view taking out the [my] polishes this stanza up no end.
and reach.

-------------------------------------------------
Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.

Thank you billy for the follow up. I'll stick with berry then. I may revert to the original firefly line. Cheers/Chris


billy/mercedes/ella/QDS edit 2 is posted. This is getting close, I think.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#16
Quote:My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in minute rouge berries.
Spirited away doesn’t seem to do much here. We talking about a voice that has been traveling all day and now has settled in, but wait, it’s going somewhere? It’s also cliche, abstract, and not that interesting.

Quote:It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.
C’mon its. No apostrophe. You could use “it’s” and remove the “is” if you wanted, that would be an interesting metaphor--the voice as a flame, rather than having a flame.

Quote:My imagination is nebulous beneath
the pond’s algal cloak, quiescent
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

I think there are a lot of interesting ideas here. What it mostly lacks is a connecting narrative to give us a sense of the place all these things are in.
Reply
#17
(08-10-2014, 01:27 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  
Quote:My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in minute rouge berries.
Spirited away doesn’t seem to do much here. We talking about a voice that has been traveling all day and now has settled in, but wait, it’s going somewhere? It’s also cliche, abstract, and not that interesting.

Quote:It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.
C’mon its. No apostrophe. You could use “it’s” and remove the “is” if you wanted, that would be an interesting metaphor--the voice as a flame, rather than having a flame.

Quote:My imagination is nebulous beneath
the pond’s algal cloak, quiescent
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

I think there are a lot of interesting ideas here. What it mostly lacks is a connecting narrative to give us a sense of the place all these things are in.

Thanks for catching the typo. I will consider that flame as a direct metaphor. Let me see if I can unify the piece better. Thanks for you time and suggestions./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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