Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis (milo, billy)

[milo]

We keep our heartbeats locked inside
a storage unit with the crud.
We wrap the bones in burlap hide.

I remember this part from the original and it was "thumping heartbeats" or some such and I remember calling out the "thumping" as superfluous but a thought occurred to me much later that the "sound" could be what is locked inside (and then of course the heart itself indirectly. the benefit is that now, as readers, we are locked outside but we can hear that diconnected thump inside and it could be quite terrible. What am I going on about? i wonder if you would consider:

Our heartbeat's thump is locked inside

In addition, it removes a pronoun and the "keep/locked" dilemma.

Anyway, that comment is carried over from many months before. i will read through and see if I have anything new to offer over the next couple days.