Happiness Forgets

[Keith]

A loose suited cool linen swagger -- loose-suited?
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, -- a semi-colon is probably better here
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.

The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes -- love this!
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.

Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos, -- nice alliteration
heavy handed from a dub step base.

He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, -- would you consider "Familiarly he falls..."? And a semi-colon instead of the comma
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again. -- perfect ending

I felt transported by this, as if the everyday world melted away the moment he stepped through the door. As you'll note, my suggestions are minimal.

Thanks Leanne I will take everything except Familiarly and for no other reason than I can't say it, it's a tongue twister to me. Best Keith

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A loose suited cool linen swagger
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, would you consider "decrepit" in place of "well-trodden" ?
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.

The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes I like how the doors and bar stools are personified, furthermore I like how they seem irritated and bored
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.

Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.

He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, For some reason I felt like it should be "the" corner seat, since it's familiar (to him?).
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again.

This is cool. I want to give more feedback but I'm having trouble even after several rereads. It's very tight and to the point.

Thanks SR you didn't say why you didn't like well-trodden but I'm assuming its a little close to cliche so I will have a look I will also use the 'the'. Best Keith