Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit 1..... Leanne, SomeRandom
A loose-suited cool linen swagger
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-staggered steps;
nicotine fingernails trail billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
Familiar he falls to a corner seat and closes his mind;
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again.
Original
A loose suited cool linen swagger
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps,
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind,
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(07-20-2014, 08:36 PM)Keith Wrote: A loose suited cool linen swagger -- loose-suited?
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, -- a semi-colon is probably better here
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes -- love this!
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos, -- nice alliteration
heavy handed from a dub step base.
He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, -- would you consider "Familiarly he falls..."? And a semi-colon instead of the comma
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again. -- perfect ending
I felt transported by this, as if the everyday world melted away the moment he stepped through the door. As you'll note, my suggestions are minimal.
It could be worse
Posts: 14
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2014
(07-20-2014, 08:36 PM)Keith Wrote: A loose suited cool linen swagger
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, would you consider "decrepit" in place of "well-trodden" ?
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes I like how the doors and bar stools are personified, furthermore I like how they seem irritated and bored
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, For some reason I felt like it should be "the" corner seat, since it's familiar (to him?).
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again.
This is cool. I want to give more feedback but I'm having trouble even after several rereads. It's very tight and to the point.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(08-04-2014, 04:54 AM)Leanne Wrote: (07-20-2014, 08:36 PM)Keith Wrote: A loose suited cool linen swagger -- loose-suited?
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, -- a semi-colon is probably better here
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes -- love this!
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos, -- nice alliteration
heavy handed from a dub step base.
He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, -- would you consider "Familiarly he falls..."? And a semi-colon instead of the comma
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again. -- perfect ending
I felt transported by this, as if the everyday world melted away the moment he stepped through the door. As you'll note, my suggestions are minimal.
Thanks Leanne I will take everything except Familiarly and for no other reason than I can't say it, it's a tongue twister to me. Best Keith
(08-04-2014, 02:37 PM)SomeRandom Wrote: (07-20-2014, 08:36 PM)Keith Wrote: A loose suited cool linen swagger
eclipses the burden of daylight
adjusting down well-trodden steps, would you consider "decrepit" in place of "well-trodden" ?
nicotine fingernails trail on billboard walls
to an ugly door that opens with a mumble.
The bar stools gesture through half closed eyes I like how the doors and bar stools are personified, furthermore I like how they seem irritated and bored
lifted from beer mat stares,
closing again with a head back sip.
Hips sway through pungent clouds,
reverb touches seersucker on stilettos,
heavy handed from a dub step base.
He falls familiar to a corner seat and closes his mind, For some reason I felt like it should be "the" corner seat, since it's familiar (to him?).
behind the aroma of a Black Russian, he slips
under the underground again.
This is cool. I want to give more feedback but I'm having trouble even after several rereads. It's very tight and to the point.
Thanks SR you didn't say why you didn't like well-trodden but I'm assuming its a little close to cliche so I will have a look I will also use the 'the'. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
