Hearts of The Unbroken

[alatos]

I think you could work on, as others have said, the rhythm. I'm no expert, but it's important in poetry that there is some sort of logical rhythm to provide structure in your poem. I mean that's not always the case, like in blank verse (Walt Whitman, for example)... but for this sort of poem I think it would work well. It's hard to get perfect, and I suck at it pretty badly. But there's lots of info online about different ways to use rhythm. I did notice someone said you shouldn't write love poetry... I'd have to disagree. There should be nothing off-limits. If you care about it, write about it! It may be the hardest kind of poetry to write some opinions, but don't let that inhibit you, just let it inform you.