The Elder's Prayer (first edit)

[ellajam]

Lovely, here are a few notes.

Not really sure where to go with this.

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes,
waiting to hear him speak.
Immediate picture, I can hear the silence, their jingles still.

When he did, it sounded of mumbling
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.
I'm not sure about the comma after rumbling.

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly,
making sure there was no sniggering
amongst the children.
You may be able to lose "it all", or even "over" too.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***
^^^?

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow
when the first voices ripped the sky.
Love the second line here, not sure you need the dash and/or the "and".

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)
Someone does sing like that, and you lost your punctuation.

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white,
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss.
Love this, again, not sure you need the dashes and/or "and".

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.
Love L2 here, I have difficulty with L3, I think of the singing as grounding and lifting them, I don't get how you're seeing it, does it go around them?

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips,
and answered it for us.
Fine, evocative ending.

I wrote more than I meant to but they're all just nits, just my thoughts. Thanks for the read.