Bunx/Erthona/Billy/Ellajam

The Elder's Prayer

Jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes,
waiting to hear him speak.


When he did, it sounded of mumbling
and rumbling at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.

A hawk watched over, circling devoutly,
making sure there was no sniggering
amongst the children.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.


Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists.
I could hardly swallow
when the first voices ripped the sky.

No one sings like that,
for a strictly human audience.

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage;
not a neutral, eggshell white,
but turquoise and blood – in high gloss.

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers;
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and flittered on faith
when the singers cried lift.

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips,
and answered it for us.

----------------------------------------
Original

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes,
waiting to hear him speak.


When he did, it sounded of mumbling
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly,
making sure there was no sniggering
amongst the children.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow
when the first voices ripped the sky.

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white,
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss.

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips,
and answered it for us.

Growing up in Montana this brings alot of images from my childhood back to me. Going to Indian Days in Browning for instance. Here are some actual comments I have on your poem. Thanks alot for the post.

(07-29-2014, 10:48 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Not really sure where to go with this.

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes,
waiting to hear him speak. Good imagery, lots of action right from the start


When he did, it sounded of mumbling
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell. awesome description

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly,
making sure there was no sniggering
amongst the children. Great imagery and symbolism. Are you alluding to the elders ancestors watching over the gathering?

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow
when the first voices ripped the sky.

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway) Not sure if this is necessary in poem. Gives the narrator a voice that i wasn't aware of earlier in the poem

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white,
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss.

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips,
and answered it for us. [/b]

Not sure where you were going thematically with the poem. At first I thought it was symbolic of the respect but death of native languages. Then I thought it was about tradition in dance and respect for one culture. I think if you do a little work on this poem it could come out a little bit more defined as far as what your trying to relay to the reader. Overall likes the poem and imagery! Thanks alot for the post!

Paul,

"No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)"

Period should be after the parenthetical phrase.

I especially liked the lines:

"turquoise and blood- in high gloss"

and

"learned the drums in their femurs"

I also like the part about dances for the animals, that's fairly consistent with the people of North America.

There is a nice subtly to the clapping as the encroachment of the whites into the culture.

The hawk "circling devoutly", is a nice touch, as it reminds one of the importance of the circle, and also reminds us of the connection to the spirit world and the natural world.

I have little negative to say. I think I would find a better way to separate the two section than by using "***". I don't really see the need for it, or even anything really. It wouldn't even be a point except that you use so much white space, which could probably be cut down some.

Regardless, an enjoyable read.


Dale

not really sure how you improve on it. maybe remove a few of the minor words. some good description and visuals in the poem help lift it higher than a lot of narrated poetry. just an odd nit on a poem that's very likable.

(07-29-2014, 10:48 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Not really sure where to go with this.

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes, no need for [the]
waiting to hear him speak.


When he did, it sounded of mumbling the phrasing could be better a suggestion would be [it was a mumble ] or something like it.
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly, this is one of the good visuals you give it a spiritual feel that works well in showing it's spiritualistic
making sure there was no sniggering i also like how you have the bird control the children and show how they believe in its power
amongst the children.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow is [and] needed
when the first voices ripped the sky.

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white, no need for [and]
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss. another good visual

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips, simply delicious. the line has so much movement in it
and answered it for us.

Lovely, here are a few notes.

(07-29-2014, 10:48 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Not really sure where to go with this.

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes,
waiting to hear him speak.
Immediate picture, I can hear the silence, their jingles still.

When he did, it sounded of mumbling
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.
I'm not sure about the comma after rumbling.

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly,
making sure there was no sniggering
amongst the children.
You may be able to lose "it all", or even "over" too.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***
^^^?

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow
when the first voices ripped the sky.
Love the second line here, not sure you need the dash and/or the "and".

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)
Someone does sing like that, and you lost your punctuation.

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white,
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss.
Love this, again, not sure you need the dashes and/or "and".

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.
Love L2 here, I have difficulty with L3, I think of the singing as grounding and lifting them, I don't get how you're seeing it, does it go around them?

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips,
and answered it for us.
Fine, evocative ending.

I wrote more than I meant to but they're all just nits, just my thoughts. Thanks for the read.

Thank you Bunx/Erthona/Billy/Ellajam. These are all solid suggestions. I think I can employ almost all of them with due credit.
As always, I appreciate your time.
Paul

This sounded like the playwright for a movie perhaps. Or at the very least the choreography for a school play. Maybe even a live stage musical. It has the potential to become something spectacular if you want to take it a step further. I was moved by the elements of tribal related pleasantry. Let's give precious the lead role.

Kisses!

Still working on this edit. Thanks to everyone who pointed me in the right direction. Only a few little words are still giving me fits. But I think I'm almost there. Much appreciated. - Paul

Hi - I enjoy your poem, and I think you've edited it well. I'd look at the '-ing' words in the first half again.

For me, the poem starts with 'Quickly' - the first part doesn't really add to my knowledge of the scene, and feels as though it's you, writing yourself into the poem.