The Elder's Prayer (first edit)

[billy]

not really sure how you improve on it. maybe remove a few of the minor words. some good description and visuals in the poem help lift it higher than a lot of narrated poetry. just an odd nit on a poem that's very likable.

Not really sure where to go with this.

The Elder's Prayer

The jingle-dress dancers stood on their toes, no need for [the]
waiting to hear him speak.


When he did, it sounded of mumbling the phrasing could be better a suggestion would be [it was a mumble ] or something like it.
and rumbling, at once;
like an auctioneer with one last feather to sell.

A hawk watched over it all, circling devoutly, this is one of the good visuals you give it a spiritual feel that works well in showing it's spiritualistic
making sure there was no sniggering i also like how you have the bird control the children and show how they believe in its power
amongst the children.

When the Elder finished,
some of us applauded;
nervously forgetting
the Chippewa word for respect.

But it was not the same as sniggering,
and the hawk was gone.

***

Quickly,
drums made thunder at the ends of red fists-
and I could hardly swallow is [and] needed
when the first voices ripped the sky.

No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)

The dancers entered, spilling paint
on a stretch of grassy stage-
and not a neutral eggshell white, no need for [and]
but turquoise and blood- in high gloss. another good visual

Brightest of all were the jingle-dress dancers-
they had learned the drums in their femurs,
and the singing never passed through them.

They carried the Elder’s prayer in their hips, simply delicious. the line has so much movement in it
and answered it for us.