07-23-2014, 09:15 PM
Hi there, I really liked this - in the sense of its potential, with some more refining I think it will be a nice little reminiscing, and the cycle continues!
I was playing a montage in my mind, so i think the 'listing' worked well, but I do agree with others that the list goes on a bit. I wonder if there is a way to combine a few things in the one memory - i.e Smoking cigarettes as we marveled at the sky zoo - Im not sure - just an idea?
also not sure what you mean by sky zoo? I'm reading it like - the constellations of the stars ?
Drinking dads good bottles - I don't know why but i really like this line - Maybe because it reads so naturally and its something many can relate to looking back on being young, with a smirk on our face.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
I like the contrast here - makes me think of the connection between quickie and existence - hehe not sure if you meant it but I thought it any how.
I feel the last few lines consolidate the poems meaning - I wonder if it would work if you dropped the last line? or shortened it to something simple like - repeats our own repeats - kind of like a closing statement? but i don't know if its necessary hmmm
Overall, the reflection doesn't feel forced - feels natural, I enjoyed it, had a little giggle, then did a 'aaahh yes' nod at the end. Would be even better if it flowed a bit more.
That's my 2 cents anyway. nice work
I was playing a montage in my mind, so i think the 'listing' worked well, but I do agree with others that the list goes on a bit. I wonder if there is a way to combine a few things in the one memory - i.e Smoking cigarettes as we marveled at the sky zoo - Im not sure - just an idea?
also not sure what you mean by sky zoo? I'm reading it like - the constellations of the stars ?
Drinking dads good bottles - I don't know why but i really like this line - Maybe because it reads so naturally and its something many can relate to looking back on being young, with a smirk on our face.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
I like the contrast here - makes me think of the connection between quickie and existence - hehe not sure if you meant it but I thought it any how.
I feel the last few lines consolidate the poems meaning - I wonder if it would work if you dropped the last line? or shortened it to something simple like - repeats our own repeats - kind of like a closing statement? but i don't know if its necessary hmmm
Overall, the reflection doesn't feel forced - feels natural, I enjoyed it, had a little giggle, then did a 'aaahh yes' nod at the end. Would be even better if it flowed a bit more.
That's my 2 cents anyway. nice work