Presence, Absence

[ajcohen613]

it's a good attempt but it's a little monotonous, little grabs me and in a poem such as this i want to feel something deeper that the read. in general nothing really stands out. there feels no clear definition between the presence and absence

Presence, Absence

There are rarely nights when my mind evades you,
though I will confess to the occasional night or two can these lines be made strong by being shorter. catch the readers attention. the first few lines are very important
when my thoughts are caught in the stars. we know it's about you, no need for [my]
My hands were designed to miss things,
aching to hold unavailable hips.
I miss your cackle like a clap of thunder
misses the hushed night sky
and while I lie here alone,
too sweaty and afraid of facing my dreams
to close my eyes, I will imagine
that we are curled up nude in a lush valley.
Still awake, I lie. I lie by myself - to myself -
and I can feel the surge of your absence
whipping me towards a dormant truth
atop a barren mountain far from where you are.

Thanks!