Presence, Absence

There are rarely nights when my mind evades you,
though I will confess to the occasional night or two
when my thoughts are caught in the stars.
My hands were designed to miss things,
aching to hold unavailable hips.
I miss your cackle like a clap of thunder
misses the hushed night sky
and while I lie here alone,
too sweaty and afraid of facing my dreams
to close my eyes, I will imagine
that we are curled up nude in a lush valley.
Still awake, I lie. I lie by myself - to myself -
and I can feel the surge of your absence
whipping me towards a dormant truth
atop a barren mountain far from where you are.

it's a good attempt but it's a little monotonous, little grabs me and in a poem such as this i want to feel something deeper that the read. in general nothing really stands out. there feels no clear definition between the presence and absence

(07-22-2014, 08:49 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  Presence, Absence

There are rarely nights when my mind evades you,
though I will confess to the occasional night or two can these lines be made strong by being shorter. catch the readers attention. the first few lines are very important
when my thoughts are caught in the stars. we know it's about you, no need for [my]
My hands were designed to miss things,
aching to hold unavailable hips.
I miss your cackle like a clap of thunder
misses the hushed night sky
and while I lie here alone,
too sweaty and afraid of facing my dreams
to close my eyes, I will imagine
that we are curled up nude in a lush valley.
Still awake, I lie. I lie by myself - to myself -
and I can feel the surge of your absence
whipping me towards a dormant truth
atop a barren mountain far from where you are.

ajcohen613,


I agree with Billy, but I'll take it a step further and say it is a Gothic Romance, in the form of poetry.

Shouldn't the first line read:

"There are rarely nights when my mind evades thoughts you,"

Unsure about the use of "cackle", too many connotations about the word to make it seem desirable.

Keep pluggin on,

Dale

(07-22-2014, 03:22 PM)billy Wrote:  it's a good attempt but it's a little monotonous, little grabs me and in a poem such as this i want to feel something deeper that the read. in general nothing really stands out. there feels no clear definition between the presence and absence

(07-22-2014, 08:49 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  Presence, Absence

There are rarely nights when my mind evades you,
though I will confess to the occasional night or two can these lines be made strong by being shorter. catch the readers attention. the first few lines are very important
when my thoughts are caught in the stars. we know it's about you, no need for [my]
My hands were designed to miss things,
aching to hold unavailable hips.
I miss your cackle like a clap of thunder
misses the hushed night sky
and while I lie here alone,
too sweaty and afraid of facing my dreams
to close my eyes, I will imagine
that we are curled up nude in a lush valley.
Still awake, I lie. I lie by myself - to myself -
and I can feel the surge of your absence
whipping me towards a dormant truth
atop a barren mountain far from where you are.

Thanks!

I found a lot to like here. There are some spots that an edit might tighten and clear up. Here are some notes.

(07-22-2014, 08:49 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  Presence, Absence

There are rarely nights when my mind evades you,
though I will confess to the occasional night or two Not a fan of the double "night", and I think you could lose the "or two".
when my thoughts are caught in the stars.
My hands were designed to miss things, Were they designed that way or changed in some way?
aching to hold unavailable hips.
I miss your cackle like a clap of thunder I like this line but the next confuses it, it would make more sense to me if the thunder and the sky were reversed.
misses the hushed night sky I'm not sure you need these two lines.
and while I lie here alone,
too sweaty and afraid of facing my dreams New sentence.
to close my eyes, I will imagine
that we are curled up nude in a lush valley. I don't know that you need "up nude".
Still awake, I lie. I lie by myself - to myself - It may work without " I lie by myself - to myself -", the reader might do the work here.
and I can feel the surge of your absence
whipping me towards a dormant truth
atop a barren mountain far from where you are.

I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting it.