07-22-2014, 09:48 AM
kliS,
very polished response
I'll knock out a proofread for you real quick, and I hope it's fine w you that I'm not bracketing my edits you'll just need to look at the orig side-by-side w my comments.
crow
also, I have thoughts about the content, but I'm not sure they aren't reduplicative (cool word, right?) w others' notes.
Nm--I bracketed the changes after all haha
Empire
Fatigue sets [in] like KFC grease
--you want to avoid "sets in" regarding "like KFC grease," but to omit "in" is a usage error.
--as an aide to rewriting, I think the KFC simile is a bit contorted . . . Meaning, you could prolly change it to fix the usage issue
on scratched[-]out mice and keyboard canyons
--gulches?
filled with cornflakes and crisp[y] crumbs, the
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.
--confusing. The sense is that the crumbs fell off of fried chicken and into the space between keyboard keys. So, I understand "stray," but not "forgotten" or "soldiers," and "previous nights and months" a appears redundant with the idea of them falling into place between the keys. That is, if you were to say, "old crumbs," it'd get the idea across. You don't need to specify a calendar period.
They sank their bod[ies] deep
into their swivel chair[,] unswivelling[kill the comma?] jeans['s][not sure about the need or styling of the possessive apostrophe there . . .]
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its [its? I can't find a sensible singular referent. Should it be "their"?] best[,]
and yet so little[,] to alleviate the
day/night's [surely, there's a more elegant way to say day/night] wear between the
five[-]minute breaks they [they?] take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his [as noted re "his"]
can-pyramid [pyramid-can?] empire.
Obsession manifests in[as?] not some fire,
[extremely awkward]
but [in?] the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan, ["oddly inconsistent" is weak. describe it, don't make me try to figure it out]
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans['] quotas['] dreams[']
expectations of more hopeful days.
--the above, from the opening of the stanza to here, is baffling. I'll try to rephrase: "obsession, which might otherwise manifest as some fire, manifests instead in the fact that the laptop is near breaking, and it's near breaking because it's overheating, as two entities are failing to meet old expectations"?
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them[,]
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--
--awkward, strained, and redundant. This part says, "with no alternatives, there aren't alternatives anymore, and giving up is not an alternative"
not on hope but [on?] slow[-]cooking suicide[,]
like cigarette[no "s"] smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight [cut "day," and I think you want, simply, "shafts of light".] "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.
--the ending is jarring. We go from the pessimism of suicide and atmospheric smoke to the overwhelming joy if God in his Heaven, and I'm not sure how . . .
kliS,
My comments are probably pretty murky, here, so let me know what needs clarification good work here,
crow
--btw, just so you can believe me on the "good work," I only edit things I like
Last thing, sorry--"squished pancakes" is redundant. That's the problem folks're having
very polished response
I'll knock out a proofread for you real quick, and I hope it's fine w you that I'm not bracketing my edits you'll just need to look at the orig side-by-side w my comments. crow
also, I have thoughts about the content, but I'm not sure they aren't reduplicative (cool word, right?) w others' notes.
Nm--I bracketed the changes after all haha
Empire
Fatigue sets [in] like KFC grease
--you want to avoid "sets in" regarding "like KFC grease," but to omit "in" is a usage error.
--as an aide to rewriting, I think the KFC simile is a bit contorted . . . Meaning, you could prolly change it to fix the usage issue
on scratched[-]out mice and keyboard canyons
--gulches?
filled with cornflakes and crisp[y] crumbs, the
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.
--confusing. The sense is that the crumbs fell off of fried chicken and into the space between keyboard keys. So, I understand "stray," but not "forgotten" or "soldiers," and "previous nights and months" a appears redundant with the idea of them falling into place between the keys. That is, if you were to say, "old crumbs," it'd get the idea across. You don't need to specify a calendar period.
They sank their bod[ies] deep
into their swivel chair[,] unswivelling[kill the comma?] jeans['s][not sure about the need or styling of the possessive apostrophe there . . .]
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its [its? I can't find a sensible singular referent. Should it be "their"?] best[,]
and yet so little[,] to alleviate the
day/night's [surely, there's a more elegant way to say day/night] wear between the
five[-]minute breaks they [they?] take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his [as noted re "his"]
can-pyramid [pyramid-can?] empire.
Obsession manifests in[as?] not some fire,
[extremely awkward]
but [in?] the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan, ["oddly inconsistent" is weak. describe it, don't make me try to figure it out]
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans['] quotas['] dreams[']
expectations of more hopeful days.
--the above, from the opening of the stanza to here, is baffling. I'll try to rephrase: "obsession, which might otherwise manifest as some fire, manifests instead in the fact that the laptop is near breaking, and it's near breaking because it's overheating, as two entities are failing to meet old expectations"?
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them[,]
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--
--awkward, strained, and redundant. This part says, "with no alternatives, there aren't alternatives anymore, and giving up is not an alternative"
not on hope but [on?] slow[-]cooking suicide[,]
like cigarette[no "s"] smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight [cut "day," and I think you want, simply, "shafts of light".] "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.
--the ending is jarring. We go from the pessimism of suicide and atmospheric smoke to the overwhelming joy if God in his Heaven, and I'm not sure how . . .
kliS,
My comments are probably pretty murky, here, so let me know what needs clarification
good work here,crow
--btw, just so you can believe me on the "good work," I only edit things I like
Last thing, sorry--"squished pancakes" is redundant. That's the problem folks're having