07-07-2014, 08:09 PM
(07-06-2014, 08:09 PM)Alexearth Wrote: * help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22Yeah...a lot of dependent clauses strung together makes little sense, and transmits even less meaning.
Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders, how can a rattle shudder?
surrounding corner court crackling, what is surrounding "court crackling", the "fence shudders"?
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg arm hair leg?
and squirm they radiantly like black sun. "squirm they" why the reverse syntax?
The record spins abandoned, how do you "spin abandoned"?
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.
Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall, what "who" knocks on wall?
the kids scream louder now- now? as opposed to?
she slowly understands L16 - does she understand the 3 preceding lines, or the one that follows
outside is calling for more. more what?
// what's this suppose to mean? It generally stands for inches.
The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died the phrase "The day flew painfully" is devoid of meaning
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly, who is "assuredly"
he smiles. poor use of enjambment
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase L22 - remove "freely", it adds nothing to the line
into the evening’s sad tranquility period? This is about the only sentence (?) that makes sense in this poem.
Sorry there is not a lot positive I can find to comment on.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.