The day flew painfully

[SilverMire]

* help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22
I'll do my best

Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders, I can see (hear?) what you're trying to say here, but opening with an adjective/adverb immediately loses any sense of connection with the reader - generally, they should be avoided, but of course, use your own judgment. Verbs and nouns should be the basis of your work.
surrounding corner court crackling, Obvious alliteration is obvious - don't feel pressed to do so in threes all the time
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg bundle of arm hair leg? Poetry still needs to make sense when read!
and squirm they radiantly like black sun. squirm they radiantly, same deal as above
To be honest, for me, this verse adds nothing much to what you say next
The record spins abandoned,
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs So some sort of musical theme?
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.

Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall,
the kids scream louder now-
she slowly understands
outside is calling for more. These ideas, to me, feel disjointed. Find some common theme and elaborate instead of jumping around?

//


The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly,

he smiles.
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase
into the evening’s sad tranquility

I think, going forward, you should try to paint a clear picture of what you're actually talking about from the start. Even coming to the end, I don't really know what you're talking about - it's still a little vague. Also, don't be scared to use some type of meter or form - you'd be surprised how much more it engages a reader rather than a smattering of words about the page!

But definitely keep at it! Hope I could help in some small way