07-07-2014, 05:35 AM
Goldfish
--I'm expecting a pet, a Chinese carp granting wishes, an idea of something precious, and possibly something like bait
I watch him pitifully,
--I like seeing the word "watch," and it steers me toward treasure/preciousness
--to be clear, pitifully is the way in which "I" watches
sometimes drifting
--I like the line break at "drifting." You could have a better effect if it were on its own, one-word line
on eddies of his own
unknown making;
--lost me. An eddie is a feature of flowing water, a back channel that causes a whirlpool that holds flotsam. Here, you seem to be describing propulsion merely, and not a whirlpool. If there's no holds-things-still eddie, kill the word
as flotsam jettisoned
--hahaha! I should've kept reading! I used the word flotsam before I saw it here lol
--perhaps disregard ny earlier note, perhaps not
from a child's voyage
of life and death discovery.
--Question for you: is there no typo here?
Occasionally, he tail-flicks
into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles him, unaware[,]
to the immutable aqueous present.
--too many big words
----contrast,
that absently cycles him back
to the fire, quietly, inscrutably
-------that previous line makes no sense, but feels more immediate
----compare,
that radiant effluent phosphorescence
that discards the umbraged countenance of friable matter
------the sense of that line is just "bare dirt lies where there are constant shadows," but there's nothing immediate in it
Mostly, he stares[,] reflective[,]
--reflectively?
out into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
--"ever" seems irrelevant; cut it
--"out into" is redundant. Cut "out"
--the universe is not refracted; cut "refracted"
--"convex" is assumption; the shape of the universe is unknown; cut "convex"
--this whole line seems sophic; consider cutting it
through [his own] dim[,] ochre[,]
upside-down
shadow [cut: of himself].
--all shadows are upside down. Cut "upside down"
Once, he was rolled
by my unwitting hand,
--huh?
--is "hand" a metonym? If so, prefer
----"I rolled him"
and[,] blind-sided, exposed,
--without the above comma, blind-sided is a verb
he flapped[,] agape and tapering,
gasping at overwhelming clarity;
--huh ?
But I scooped and saved him
by teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced him
back into the cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl.
Now he watches me,
mercilessly.
Original
Sometimes, I'd drift
The last two stanzas are utterly confusing
/confused
dad-gummit--the title should've clued me into forgetfulness, plastic castles, and being imprisoned
--I'm expecting a pet, a Chinese carp granting wishes, an idea of something precious, and possibly something like bait
I watch him pitifully,
--I like seeing the word "watch," and it steers me toward treasure/preciousness
--to be clear, pitifully is the way in which "I" watches
sometimes drifting
--I like the line break at "drifting." You could have a better effect if it were on its own, one-word line
on eddies of his own
unknown making;
--lost me. An eddie is a feature of flowing water, a back channel that causes a whirlpool that holds flotsam. Here, you seem to be describing propulsion merely, and not a whirlpool. If there's no holds-things-still eddie, kill the word
as flotsam jettisoned
--hahaha! I should've kept reading! I used the word flotsam before I saw it here lol
--perhaps disregard ny earlier note, perhaps not
from a child's voyage
of life and death discovery.
--Question for you: is there no typo here?
Occasionally, he tail-flicks
into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles him, unaware[,]
to the immutable aqueous present.
--too many big words
----contrast,
that absently cycles him back
to the fire, quietly, inscrutably
-------that previous line makes no sense, but feels more immediate
----compare,
that radiant effluent phosphorescence
that discards the umbraged countenance of friable matter
------the sense of that line is just "bare dirt lies where there are constant shadows," but there's nothing immediate in it
Mostly, he stares[,] reflective[,]
--reflectively?
out into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
--"ever" seems irrelevant; cut it
--"out into" is redundant. Cut "out"
--the universe is not refracted; cut "refracted"
--"convex" is assumption; the shape of the universe is unknown; cut "convex"
--this whole line seems sophic; consider cutting it
through [his own] dim[,] ochre[,]
upside-down
shadow [cut: of himself].
--all shadows are upside down. Cut "upside down"
Once, he was rolled
by my unwitting hand,
--huh?
--is "hand" a metonym? If so, prefer
----"I rolled him"
and[,] blind-sided, exposed,
--without the above comma, blind-sided is a verb
he flapped[,] agape and tapering,
gasping at overwhelming clarity;
--huh ?
But I scooped and saved him
by teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced him
back into the cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl.
Now he watches me,
mercilessly.
Original
Sometimes, I'd drift
The last two stanzas are utterly confusing
/confused
dad-gummit--the title should've clued me into forgetfulness, plastic castles, and being imprisoned