LorettaYoung. Eternal Destiny

[Brownlie]

Eternal Destiny

The birds sing in soft summer merrily: --Well, I would consider cutting an adjective in here. Soft summer may have a spondee as well. I'm not sure if you want the spondee.
moments come and go, they don't know?
Now, the sun shines soft and sweetly, -- Maybe, a different word for soft, an adjective is probably going to be weak and repeating an adjective may be a bad idea.
though in a sudden flash that star may blow.
From whence we came and where we pass to end,
the pain and loss compound and overgrow, -- Words like pain, and loss are quite general. I think you would get a more powerful reaction from specific words.
twisting our flesh and souls to stoop and bend.
Blind men clutch at porous walls to know
once more those singing birds and sunshine sweet -- I think this may be an inversion of sorts which you may want to clean up. Singing birds is much more powerful than "sunshine sweet"
will grace them with a moment of beauty's time. -- If you are making beauty into an allegorical figure you may want to capitalize Beauty. Sort of a grey area for me though.
And it's eternal destiny we'll keep,
with death upon the hill who keeps the line. -- I think the repetition of "keep" is hindering you here.
If I'm in pain and blind with misery,
I'll seek to know eternal destiny! -- Your repetition actually seems to works here. The phrase eternal destiny makes me think of predestination and what not.


This poem was tacked, in error, by Loretta, to another's thread and has been moved here. Mod.

Thanks for posting.