Only Just Cause Edit 1.0 bena,dale,keith

[tectak]

We should.
Shoot the magpie for his sins; jealous, but he loves to kill
and leave the dead in disarray, splayed out like fallen, broken stars.

We can.
Shoot the sparrow for his trust, that small and close is just enough
to justify the spill of blood, the flying puff of feathered death.

We must.
Shoot the heron for his greed, that by his end we see ourselves
as saviours of a silent class; protection is proclaimed our aim.

We do.
Shoot the grouse that lifts and wheels across the barren places where
but for our god-like wild inserts, he would be of no value there.

Shoot the eagle and the owl, the kestrel, kite and flight-shy snipe,
the crow and rook, the duck and gull and all the gloried glut of life.

But leave alone the simple man, who tied to earth exists upon
a patch of soil, his own true land, his blessed plot from time secured;
and let him keep and save himself, and guard his world against the rest
by every means. For that is what a man should do, can do, must do...
and does.

tectak
2014

[Erthona]

Tom,

Some of the switch offs between iambic and trochee are not as smooth as are usual for you, especially the extra half foot at the end of L1 making it difficult to start the iambic in L2. Also "he" is used as an accented syllable in L1, is used as an unaccented syllable in line two. Necessary because "kills" in L1 has a harder accent and "he" compared to"who" has the harder accent, in L2 "leaves" is stronger than "he", making for a forced start of iambic that is metrically disruptive to the poem.
The simile in L2 "displayed like fallen, broken stars", does little to enhance the the idea of "He leaves the dead in disarray".
The next two lines read well enough, even though the meaning, or the point being made seems a bit obscure.
The transition from trochee to iambic in L5 seems a bit rough, and disruptive to the reading.
L6 appears to deviate from the eight foot lines that proceed it as it reads as a seven foot line.
The usage of "insertions" in the middle of L8 seems a bit awkward, despite the fact that the meter reads correctly.
L10 is also a seven foot line, although it does not seem disruptive.
Not only is L11 a nine foot line, it has an inelegant second half as it forgoes the article before "ground".

Purely personal. I would like to see/hear a rhyming couplet at the end. I would suggest the last part of the last line read "should do, and does best". Of course it also smooths out the meter some, though I suspect the irregularity is purposeful for emphasis.

The thrust of the poem seems ironic, if not satiric, unless of course it is simply a very long way around to say, "I support the killing of birds". I suspect, although I will not put words in the writers mouth, that this is more a musing about ethics in relation to "wild" animals. It does not seem strong enough to be an outright condemnation of those humans that participate in the sport of bringing about "the flying puff of feathered death."

Dale

[bena]

I don't have as much trouble with the meter as Dale does, but he is the expert. The last line bothers me with it's length though...I can't get the beat on that one.

I would use a hyphen in god-like (grammar police)

I'm not sure why you don't like white space, I love it, and would have divided into stanza just to give a slight pause for the reader to reflect on the meaning of each word, because you have a ton of meaning stuffed into small sentences.

This is a brilliant, reflective piece, and I am just nit-picking because I'm supposed to on this forum.=)

bena the bean counter.

[tectak]

Tom,

Some of the switch offs between iambic and trochee are not as smooth as are usual for you, especially the extra half foot at the end of L1 making it difficult to start the iambic in L2. Also "he" is used as an accented syllable in L1, is used as an unaccented syllable in line two. Necessary because "kills" in L1 has a harder accent and "he" compared to"who" has the harder accent, in L2 "leaves" is stronger than "he", making for a forced start of iambic that is metrically disruptive to the poem.
The simile in L2 "displayed like fallen, broken stars", does little to enhance the the idea of "He leaves the dead in disarray".
The next two lines read well enough, even though the meaning, or the point being made seems a bit obscure.
The transition from trochee to iambic in L5 seems a bit rough, and disruptive to the reading.
L6 appears to deviate from the eight foot lines that proceed it as it reads as a seven foot line.
The usage of "insertions" in the middle of L8 seems a bit awkward, despite the fact that the meter reads correctly.
L10 is also a seven foot line, although it does not seem disruptive.
Not only is L11 a nine foot line, it has an inelegant second half as it forgoes the article before "ground".

Purely personal. I would like to see/hear a rhyming couplet at the end. I would suggest the last part of the last line read "should do, and does best". Of course it also smooths out the meter some, though I suspect the irregularity is purposeful for emphasis.

The thrust of the poem seems ironic, if not satiric, unless of course it is simply a very long way around to say, "I support the killing of birds". I suspect, although I will not put words in the writers mouth, that this is more a musing about ethics in relation to "wild" animals. It does not seem strong enough to be an outright condemnation of those humans that participate in the sport of bringing about "the flying puff of feathered death."

Dale

Whatho dale,
everything you make comment on is worthy. This is a first draught and will be workshopped. The central metaphor is how we justify killing, in this case of birds, but equally we justify all our aggressions against everyone else for the same hackneyed reasons. End of.
There is little point in hammering away for rhyming couplets because I need a break from all that thinking stuff. If things rhyme, as they often do, it is an arguable bonus in a piece like this. I guess it is commitment verse. I just listened to an ISIS calif (self declared) an Israeli parliamentarian and a Palestinian excusnik making large with their philosophies. I got kill for the love of it and display as a deterrent, kill because your enemy is too close and smaller than you, kill to protect your underclasses against usurpers, kill because we have that right ( oh boy, I just love that one), kill because your victim is not like you (ie everyone else) and kill to save yourself.
All the bird slaughter excuses I hear everyday. Country life, it's called. I am partial to grouse myself but thought that "kill because they taste good" with a half-decent Burgundy might offend. Harrumph.
All in good time. My meter was not running.
Best,
tectak

---

I don't have as much trouble with the meter as Dale does, but he is the expert. The last line bothers me with it's length though...I can't get the beat on that one.

I would use a hyphen in god-like (grammar police)

I'm not sure why you don't like white space, I love it, and would have divided into stanza just to give a slight pause for the reader to reflect on the meaning of each word, because you have a ton of meaning stuffed into small sentences.

This is a brilliant, reflective piece, and I am just nit-picking because I'm supposed to on this forum.=)

bena the bean counter.

Hi bena,
You are kinder to me than you would wish to be so thought This is a first draught but already you and dale have hit the nits. See my reply to dale for my thinking. It is not profound but it may be that the title did not carry enough cynical cyanide.
I will correct the meter but that is moot. As to the love of space....me too. I need to see if the point separators are clear after a tinker with the line line lengths. That's just my way. It may even end up with rhyming couplets but say nothing to dale...his self-satisfied glow may give me another reason to kill.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

That reads much smoother and clearer. There is more that I could pick, but I'll not grouse about it, and leave it to those who follow.

Dale

[Keith]

Shoot the magpie for his sins; jealous, but he loves to kill nice opening
and leave the dead in disarray, splayed out like fallen, broken stars.
Shoot the sparrow for his trust, that small and close is just enough
to justify the spill of blood, the flying puff of feathered death. this probably only makes sense if you have shot a sparrow
Shoot the heron for his greed, that by his end we see ourselves
as saviours of a silent class; protection is our proclaimed aim. protection is proclaimed our aim ? your poem
Shoot the grouse that lifts and wheels across the barren places where
but for our god-like wild inserts, he would be of no value there. be of no, sounds awkward too much of a mouthfull
Shoot the eagle and the owl, the kestrel, kite and flight-shy snipe,
the crow and rook, the duck and gull and all the gloried glut of life.
But leave alone the simple man, who tied to ground exists upon
his patch of earth, his own true land, his blessed plot from time secured;
and let him keep and save himself, and guard his thoughts against the rest
by every means.For that is what a man must do, should do, can do...
and does. With such a pacey build up it seems to fall flat when you finish here, sorry I wanted more.
tectak
2014

This is great to read out loud and comes off as quite profound, I like the message it conveys around excuses and that theme certainly comes across, the internal rhymes work really well for the reader and the switch in pace at the end offers up a sense of something great is coming and does, I'm afraid does not deliver for me. Hope some of this helps.Best Keith

[tectak]

Shoot the magpie for his sins; jealous, but he loves to kill nice opening
and leave the dead in disarray, splayed out like fallen, broken stars.
Shoot the sparrow for his trust, that small and close is just enough
to justify the spill of blood, the flying puff of feathered death. this probably only makes sense if you have shot a sparrow
Shoot the heron for his greed, that by his end we see ourselves
as saviours of a silent class; protection is our proclaimed aim. protection is proclaimed our aim ? your poem
Shoot the grouse that lifts and wheels across the barren places where
but for our god-like wild inserts, he would be of no value there. be of no, sounds awkward too much of a mouthfull
Shoot the eagle and the owl, the kestrel, kite and flight-shy snipe,
the crow and rook, the duck and gull and all the gloried glut of life.
But leave alone the simple man, who tied to ground exists upon
his patch of earth, his own true land, his blessed plot from time secured;
and let him keep and save himself, and guard his thoughts against the rest
by every means.For that is what a man must do, should do, can do...
and does. With such a pacey build up it seems to fall flat when you finish here, sorry I wanted more.
tectak
2014

This is great to read out loud and comes off as quite profound, I like the message it conveys around excuses and that theme certainly comes across, the internal rhymes work really well for the reader and the switch in pace at the end offers up a sense of something great is coming and does, I'm afraid does not deliver for me. Hope some of this helps.Best Keith

Hi Keith,
Hasn't everyone shot a sparrow?
Thanks for your comments. The proclaim thing. You are right. Good catch. I will change it but leave the tongue twister as I have had it both ways already.
I don't know whether I made my point about commitment verse (in reply to dale) clear enough. I coined the term many years ago to excuse those of us writing purple prose during the protest years of the sixties. Music was, up until then, about tunes. After that, it was more about words...the message. What happened? Well, we all started writing poetry that commited the writer to a single aim in every verse. It mattered less what the conclusion was, but it was important not to deviate. So we got long point-made dirges like "Where have all the flowers gone" and "Universal Soldier" and...and...well, you get it. What is the old fool chuntering about? Oh,yes. This is that...no heavy end conclusion but a commitment in every bite to get there.
Best,
tectak