Tuscany edit 0.003chris,billy,true

[tectak]

hi tom you lucky bastard.

the poem feels beautiful yet overly so. some of the phrasing is glorious, and some of them feel just too treacly. whence feels forced and i wonder if pine-wood is enough (leaving a little ambiguity in the line.

Nothing moves of leaf or flower, save rose's falling petals whence
the drift of pink and white and yellow, creamy gold and carmine red

Nothing moves of leaf or flower, save the rose's falling petals
the drift of pink and white and yellow, creamy gold and carmine red

is a suggestion but you would need to alter the end rhyme that follows.

the overall picture is solid and full of a tuscan experience, on the debit side, it's too full of the tuscan experience; still very likeable.

Sweet rosemary in summer simmer breathes out myrrh and frankincense;
as though to thwart the honeysuckle, nodding in the bee-buzzed bed.
Nothing moves of leaf or flower, save rose's falling petals whence
the drift of pink and white and yellow, creamy gold and carmine red
lies scattered round the shade starved shrubs, across parched grass to pine-wood fence.

This Tuscan June inflames the senses, squints the eyes and heats the blood
until a soporific solace soon becomes a drifting sleep.
Through eyes, lids closed, blue sky glows pink like newly cut soft cedar-wood;
adrift upon the dimming day a potpourri of perfume seeps
through amniotic amber where we're babes unborn, the innocent good. this line doesn't work for me most of all. (the innocent good part) would someone half pissed with such natural beauty think of innoce3nt good?

The wine has gone, glasses lie tinted; tumbled, ant-swarmed in the grass.
The bees now leave against the shadows, drunk like sailors lost on shore, this is some of the beautiful part.
to blue-wax melt of heated sky, through stark dark Cypress fangs they pass. this is one of the less beautiful lines for me. i think it's the stark dark and the fangs that feel too much of a juxtaposition with the body of the poem
Geckos freeze bemused by breezes, now that the sun has ceased its soar; another excellent line. this is good alliteration and doesn't feel too much even though there's a fair bit on the line. it works like good unnoticeable rhymes work, i only noticed them because i'm giving feedback.
the fall to earth sends subtle signs as land and life cools down at last.

How fine to feel night air upon us; each blessed by darkness, cleansed by light. this line feels a bit cheesy and i wonder if it's really needed?
The moon half formed in ghostly pallor, rises pale 'gainst still bright ground;
the stars hide out behind net curtains, thin as silk of hyaline white.
In Tuscany we sit to supper; al fresco, candles lit around
this cobbled band of friends in summer, like fireflies we glow at night.
tectak
Tuscany
2014

Hi billy,
back home now but its 28deg and no pool! Off to Deia on Majorca in a couple of weeks so I might reedit Halfway Holiday Blues.
As always you order me back to earth. The "whence" word could be "thence" or better still, "hence"...what say you?
I am not crazy about the fangs of cypress but it isn't over-poetic. I will try to post some pics. Melting wax blue sky was of the moment...jeez, it was hot.
Innocent good must go. You are right. I may have trouble getting a rhyme triple but I will enjoy the challenge. I was trying to capture the essence of being in blood heat, eyes closed, thinking nothing and being aware of water...amniotic or what? So babes, innocence and good (no thoughts of anything, let alone evil) comes to mind. No. No use. I will work on it.
...and yes, it is cheesy. WTF.
Thanks for the effort.
Best,
tectak