Stringy

[crow]

Stringy

There are, upon the mountain, hiding, those
that sleep. But some don't sleep. My handsome kite
rides low without much breeze, and down it climbs
until it gets caught on the face of a jagger rose.
I tug. It humps and tears a little hole
in it and bleeds. I have an alibi:
I was distracted by the August sky.
The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light.

Days pass. It's to his credit that he climbed,
brokenly, thirstily, devastated. Shining
on death, and nestlessly he called and climbed.
Leaves left limbs and then, suddenly,
your crumpled bird beaked y y.
I closed the door.

[ChristopherSea]

Hi crow, I thought I would take the first stab at your poem. However, after multiple reads, it raises more questions for me than recommendations that I can provide for you. Nonetheless, perhaps your answers to queries will help both you and your readers

The plot is a bit vague:
• There’s hiding sleepers on the mountain
• Your Kite snags while distracted
• ‘He’ does lots of climbing
• Someone you are addressing ‘bird beaks YY’
• You close a door

Is that a ‘jagged’ rose? (a typo?)

Regarding: The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light. It may be better to use commas here than periods you chose.

Do you mean ‘restlessly’? (a typo?)

In stanza 2, who is the ‘he,’ one of the mountain climbers/sleepers?

Who is the you in ‘your’, a new character, the audience of your narrator?

What is Y Y, how should we read it, why why?

That is all for now. /Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

Stringy

There are, upon the mountain, hiding, those
that sleep. But some don't sleep. My handsome kite
rides low without much breeze, and down it climbs [b]Not a fan of "down it climbs"
until it gets caught on the face of a jagger rose.
I tug. It humps and tears a little hole
in it and bleeds. I have an alibi:
I was distracted by the August sky.
The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light. Like these last 3 lines a lot.

Days pass. It's to his credit that he climbed, To his credit he climbed maybe?
brokenly, thirstily, devastated. Shining
on death, and nestlessly he called and climbed. I'm assuming you chose nestlessly purposely.
Leaves left limbs and then, suddenly,
your crumpled bird beaked y y.
I closed the door.

Hi Crow, just a few notes above. I not sure if climb/climbed/climbed might be too much. Your call. Thanks for sharing.- Paul

[crow]

Christophersea,

On the plot:

The literal interpretation is a bird (remember that kite meant bird of prey before it meant flying paper sail) is guided by its master into a thorn bush. It can't fly, but it claws its way to its master's door, but upon arriving, the door is closed in its face.

The symbolism is that a same-sex partner has been infected with AIDS and is rebuffed when he shows up sick to demand a confession/apology from the man who gave it to him. The pronoun switches from it to his to your are meant to distance the speaker from the subject in an unethical way.

BUT it's not important that the reader takes away that specific narrative. The abstracted story is simple: a creature is wounded bc of another, it struggles to regain proximity to that other, and then is shut out.

The "Stringy" of the title has a dual meaning. It references a stringy animal, which is an animal w no fat on it, and also it foreshadows the "tie" between speaker and subject.

Is that a ‘jagged’ rose? (a typo?)
--Not a typo, but it sucks, and I'll change it

Regarding: The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light. It may be better to use commas here than periods you chose.
--did you notice the rhyme scheme variant? It's abbaabbb instead of abbaabba. The abrupt sentences, as well as the extra b-rhyme, are meant to convey distraction

Do you mean ‘restlessly’? (a typo?)
--"nestlessly" helps define the "kite" as a bird, but also it describes a creature without a home

In stanza 2, who is the ‘he,’ one of the mountain climbers/sleepers?

Who is the you in ‘your’, a new character, the audience of your narrator?
It's the audience of the narrator. The narrator is throwing the wounded creature at the reader, disowning it.

What is Y Y, how should we read it, why why?
It's an animal sound that suggests "why? Why?" I wasn't sure if it'd work, and it seems like it didn't.

That is all for now. Chris

----just realized I didn't make it through all your questions and gave a couple crummy answers. I'll repair that.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi crow: I'm so glad for your explanations. The imagery is extent and intense; full of connections; I still don't understand stringy as it applies to the writer and reader. And when you talk about the kite; you say climbed down on purpose because it was the bird finding the door. Very interesting. Best, Loretta

[crow]

Hi crow: I'm so glad for your explanations. The imagery is extent and intense; full of connections; I still don't understand stringy as it applies to the writer and reader. And when you talk about the kite; you say climbed down on purpose because it was the bird finding the door. Very interesting. Best, Loretta

I don't want to do the explaining-the-joke thing, so I'd cut it at this, if I can--

Stringy is the texture of the meat/corpse of a starved bird. It's also a physical tether. And it's also symbolic for a transmitted STD.

I say climbed down bc the kite goes down. It has to come back up to find the "door" which is just a metaphor for the speaker.

[tectak]

Hi crow: I'm so glad for your explanations. The imagery is extent and intense; full of connections; I still don't understand stringy as it applies to the writer and reader. And when you talk about the kite; you say climbed down on purpose because it was the bird finding the door. Very interesting. Best, Loretta

I don't want to do the explaining-the-joke thing, so I'd cut it at this, if I can--

Stringy is the texture of the meat/corpse of a starved bird. It's also a physical tether. And it's also symbolic for a transmitted STD.

I say climbed down bc the kite goes down. It has to come back up to find the "door" which is just a metaphor for the speaker.

Hi crow,
I have to say that you are off on one with all of this esoteric stuff that demands explanations which themselves are so wide ranging that the piece could mean anything and does especially when stringy is what a bird is if its thin or an undernourished animal or man with advanced aids, but stringy is what you fly your kitey on or a bird of prey unless it is melted cheese or...or...or...well, I will now climb down up my soapbox and get serious.
As erthona says, metaphors should clarify, not obscure. So do I.
You may genuinely believe that what you are writing is rich in metaphorical mince but for the reader it is complex broth...one mouthful elicits the polite response. "Hmm. Interesting, but no, I have enough, thank you."
Best,
tectak

[crow]

tectak,

"I will now climb down up my" is perfect

Can I ask, and no need to answer if you think it speaks for itself, what "I have to say that you are off on one with all of this" means? I wouldn't ask except it's the first sentence, and also, specifically, I don't know the expression "off on one." Regarding the rest of the crit, much obliged, and I think I understand you. We'll see . . .

---

also, "kitey" means "kite"? I assume so, but let me know if it doesn't

[tectak]

tectak,

"I will now climb down up my" is perfect

Can I ask, and no need to answer if you think it speaks for itself, what "I have to say that you are off on one with all of this" means? I wouldn't ask except it's the first sentence, and also, specifically, I don't know the expression "off on one." Regarding the rest of the crit, much obliged, and I think I understand you. We'll see . . .

---

also, "kitey" means "kite"? I assume so, but let me know if it doesn't

Hi crow,
Wasted English humour The first part of my crit was lingua in maxillam (my avatar).
If "stringy" means "string like" then "kitey" means "kite like".
"Off on one" is by implication a wild ramble, but no offence meant.
Best,
tectak

[tomoffing]

Stringy

There are, upon the mountain, hiding, those
that sleep. But some don't sleep. My handsome kite
rides low without much breeze, and down it climbs
until it gets caught on the face of a jagger rose.
I tug. It humps and tears a little hole
in it and bleeds. I have an alibi:
I was distracted by the August sky.
The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light.

Days pass. It's to his credit that he climbed,
brokenly, thirstily, devastated. Shining
on death, and nestlessly he called and climbed.
Leaves left limbs and then, suddenly,
your crumpled bird beaked y y.
I closed the door.

Hey Crow,
This is a strong piece, but difficult.
With your explanation I now appreciate it somewhat more, but that shouldn't be the case.
I think some of the best individual aspects of the piece combine to its overall detriment.
For example, I like the relatively obscure context of kite as a bird, however line 3 does not clarify whether its feathers or paper we're talking. I have to wait to "nestlessly" before I'm certain, perhaps even "bird beak". Clarify please!
Free up my mind to understand the rest, don't leave clutter in there if your going to present more complexity thereafter.

A similar uncertainty is introduced by the complexity of your character presentation.
"Those", "the kite", "poet", shift to "his"', the audience.
It's a big cast for a short piece. Either give me more concrete identities to understand the story through, or simplify. Eg Speaker & kite, speaker & audience etc.

Finally, line 6 "I have an alibi"
This implies to me a need for an excuse to an outside authority, physical/spiritual whatever.
Now, the emotionless tone of the simple final line leads me to view the poets decision to neglect as his and his alone...
It's a very slight conflict.

Thanks a lot for the read, I'll keep eyes peeled for revisions.
t

[crow]

Christophersea et al.,

I'm working on a revision. Don't think I've dropped it.

crow