Tuscany edit 0.003chris,billy,true

[tectak]

Sweet rosemary in summer simmer breathes out myrrh and frankincense; The alliteration is almost as cliche as the imagery This is called alliterative verse and that is why there is alliteration here. It is rooted in the Germanic and was used, by natural descendency, in much Old English poetry. You pointed out to me the merits of alliteration in a previous communique. See how I listen to the crits?
as though to thwart the honeysuckle, nodding in the bee-buzzed bed. sweet and fluffy Indeed, as I sit here in the shade of the fig tree, with my glass of warm Chianti watching the jays anting, the geckos panting and the bees in stupor of nectar and heat....sweet and fluffy captures it to perfection. Thank you
Little moves of leaf or flower, save rose's falling petals whence probably my favourite line
the drift of pink and white and yellow, creamy gold and carmine red I dedicate this line to Tolkien
lies scattered round the shade starved shrubs, across parched grass to walnut fence.


scattered across the shade starved shrubs, lie creamy gold and carmine red
the drift of pink and white and yellow, round parched grass to walnut fence.[b] I might like this too but it makes little sense to make no sense....better to make some than none. I will look more at your syntax and see if there is merit in there somewhere.
[/b]

I like this version better ^

This Tuscan June inflames the senses, squints the eyes and heats the blood The fluidity of the first stanza makes this line awkward in comparison Agreed. This stanza needs tweaking. No doubt advice will come from those more qualified than I in the fullness of time.
until a soporific solace soon becomes a drifting sleep. I was quite enjoying the meter until it went to sleep Yes. Well, that worked then. Result
Through eyes, lids closed, blue sky glows pink like newly cut soft cedar-wood;
adrift upon the dimming day a pot-pourri of perfume seeps
into the amniotic amber... we're babes unborn, the innocent good. I hate having to look up a word in the middle of a read. Imagery should be accessible That, to a significant degree, depends upon the vocabulary of the reader. We must never write to please the least able. Amniotic, if that is the word you stumbled on, will be well known to every parent...but just in case, amber is a colour

The wine has gone, glasses lie tinted; tumbled, ant-swarmed in the grass.
The bees now leave against the shadows, drunk like sailors lost on shore,
to blue-wax melt of heated sky, through stark dark Cypress fangs they pass.
Geckos freeze bemused by breezes, now that the sun has ceased its soar;
the fall to earth sends subtle signals, swaying trees and crackling grass.
Oh well I guess it's night time now. That's really it for this stanza.


How fine to feel cool air upon us; each blessed by darkness, cleansed by light.
The moon half formed in ghostly pallor, rises pale 'gainst still bright ground;
the stars hide out behind net curtains, thin as silk of hyaline white.
In Tuscany we sit to supper; al fresco, candles lit around
this cobbled band of friends in summer, like fireflies we glow at night.
"It's night time in Tuscany: Part 2"
Probably could've trimmed these last 2 stanzas down into 1.

Lots of fluff, a bit of filler. But it tasted good in my mouth, if that was your point."




tectak
Tuscany
2014

Thanks for your attention....does this mean we are talking again?
Best,
tectak

I'm a bit older, a bit wiser, and a lot less depressed.

Good egg,
Looking forward to more from you.
Best,
tectak