The Chamber

[LorettaYoung]

Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches - you start with this statement, expound it
futile clawing on the walls.
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit. - the imagery works here
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue. - again I like the image

After "chipped fingernails and vomit" it seems to lose some footing for me. I see the idea, but needs more impact imagery. I think you could keep the flow but change it up a bit. Describe more of the image in this moment, like the parents grasping or clawing at the children to be close to them, maybe a play on the clawing in the question of consideration in your opening stanza. I would drop the drunk driving line. This through me back to present day. I want to stay in your time line. instead of unaware, use imagery like the look of confusion on the faces. grasping for air works well and seems to be your focal point. I would come back though to your opening question. answer it. "You don't consider the scratches" why don't I? I think you have something here. needs some scrubbing up but could really hit with a good ending slap to the face. Look forward to reading it again.

Thanks for posting.

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Hi Jimmy, agree with tman: this could pack a lot of punch. L7-8 seems to be somewhat obscure; you could elaborate here; "they" grasp for air; I feel unclear as to who they are. This is a good topic ripe for symbolism; perhaps an underlying metaphor regarding society in general. Nice work, would like to see more. Best, Loretta