Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches
futile clawing on the walls.
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit.
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue.

(06-11-2014, 07:54 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches
futile clawing on the walls.
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit.
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue.

---

Hi Jimmy: Are you talking about the Nazi gas chambers? Loretta

(06-11-2014, 07:54 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches why not? you don't explain this
futile clawing on the walls. why a period here?
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit. I don't think 'chipped' adds anything here
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first not clear who may die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving. this comparison doesn't quite work for me
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance how did internment give a grim chance?
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue. a reference to the by-product of the gas used in the Nazi extermination camps - I wonder if anyone will get that?

The Holocaust has inspired many people to write of their reaction. Your poem doesn't grab me with a new insight though. I think you could work further on this.

what is "futile" "clawing on the walls?" Do you mean futilely?

"Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit."

"Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first"


Maybe

"Parents protect their children in vain, fearing they will dies first".

While admirable, this is a well worn theme and I don't see much new in your rendition. In fact I saw one about the holocaust on this site not long ago. Seems like it was in the write a poem a day in April thing.


Dale

I appreciate the structure of line two, as it appears to be a construction I often use.

I will lead with a salient adjective followed by a comma, followed by a phrase (in your case a verb phrase) that elucidates said saliency.

After another reading I wonder whether this is instead a "stand alone" noun phrase such as "futile clawing(s) on the wall"

(06-11-2014, 07:54 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches - you start with this statement, expound it
futile clawing on the walls.
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit. - the imagery works here
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue. - again I like the image

After "chipped fingernails and vomit" it seems to lose some footing for me. I see the idea, but needs more impact imagery. I think you could keep the flow but change it up a bit. Describe more of the image in this moment, like the parents grasping or clawing at the children to be close to them, maybe a play on the clawing in the question of consideration in your opening stanza. I would drop the drunk driving line. This through me back to present day. I want to stay in your time line. instead of unaware, use imagery like the look of confusion on the faces. grasping for air works well and seems to be your focal point. I would come back though to your opening question. answer it. "You don't consider the scratches" why don't I? I think you have something here. needs some scrubbing up but could really hit with a good ending slap to the face. Look forward to reading it again.

Thanks for posting.

(06-16-2014, 12:49 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  

(06-11-2014, 07:54 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches - you start with this statement, expound it
futile clawing on the walls.
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit. - the imagery works here
Parents vainly protecting children,
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers
they see only Prussian blue. - again I like the image

After "chipped fingernails and vomit" it seems to lose some footing for me. I see the idea, but needs more impact imagery. I think you could keep the flow but change it up a bit. Describe more of the image in this moment, like the parents grasping or clawing at the children to be close to them, maybe a play on the clawing in the question of consideration in your opening stanza. I would drop the drunk driving line. This through me back to present day. I want to stay in your time line. instead of unaware, use imagery like the look of confusion on the faces. grasping for air works well and seems to be your focal point. I would come back though to your opening question. answer it. "You don't consider the scratches" why don't I? I think you have something here. needs some scrubbing up but could really hit with a good ending slap to the face. Look forward to reading it again.

Thanks for posting.

---

Hi Jimmy, agree with tman: this could pack a lot of punch. L7-8 seems to be somewhat obscure; you could elaborate here; "they" grasp for air; I feel unclear as to who they are. This is a good topic ripe for symbolism; perhaps an underlying metaphor regarding society in general. Nice work, would like to see more. Best, Loretta

This is my first post so I hope I critique correctly. I agree with LorretaYoung about getting rid of the drunk driving imagery: the rest of the poem is removed from the reader's present and the drunk driving bit seems to break the suspension of disbelief a bit. The poem is really quite brutal and ending with the Prussian Blue imagery is really quite scary considering that many people have bedrooms painted that color as I did when I was a kid. Overall, I think the work is quite thought-provoking and the imagery is very effective but could be made more so if the lines were made leaner.

hi jimmy.

i thought that adults and kids were usually separated into different vans/camps/gas chambers. in the chambers or showers they would have been exterminated at different times during the holocaust?

who is the "you" that starts the poem, is me or everyone? which might be better as we, thereby making you a part of the poem.

i think you took a really hard concept with the subject matter and as such need to illicit from the reader, revulsion, hatred, sorrow, fear and a connection to what happened.

you have the base for a good poem if you edit wisely.
thanks for the read.

(06-11-2014, 07:54 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  Not sure how I feel about this right now. Could use some help. Thanks


You don't consider the scratches
futile clawing on the walls. would claw marks work better, or [futile incisions] better still?
Floors coated with
chipped fingernails and vomit.why chipped? why not discarded or broken? at this point in the poem you need to hold the reader every line has to be special
Parents vainly protecting children, how do mean [vainly], describe the scene this and the next 3 lines are pure tell with little substance considering the topic of the poem
fearing they'll die first
Herded into death marches
or vans deadlier than drunk driving.drunk driving has no part in the holocaust
Unaware of the internment
that gave a grim chance this line is very weak and possibly unnecessary
they gasp for air,
expediting their death.
Looking for any answers any isn't needed
they see only Prussian blue. this for me is the best line of the poem. i doubt they actually saw the colour physically but mentally it was probably etch on the brains as a colour to hate.

I think your poem would be even stronger if instead of it being specific to the Holocaust, the idea was expanded to show parents constant fear of their children being harmed. Whether it's a kidnapping, molestation, accidental, etc, I believe most parents live with constant worry. Maybe at times going to extremes to shelter their children.

You're lines "Parents vainly protecting children, fearing they'll die first" plays into this idea and is where I thought you were taking this. Initially, I thought the top lines were something an overly worrisome parent had brewed up in their head happening to their child.

Just my two cent. I hope it helps. Best of luck