06-12-2014, 11:57 PM
I really like this. Which is odd, because I usually despise things which blend archaic writing/theme with modern ideas. I think you pulled it off.
Your meter is pretty good and I can put most things in place, but I think you could help it by dropping the "but" in S2 l4 ---But I'm no expert on IP. I think that line would have too many trochees with it there.
Did you switch to tetrameter for the last stanza on purpose? It seems purposeful, but I'm not sure why. Doesn't matter to me though. I just sit around here hoping I don't happen to like rhyming poem so I don't feel the need to comment. And here you've come in and fouled my plan.
Good job...
bena
Your meter is pretty good and I can put most things in place, but I think you could help it by dropping the "but" in S2 l4 ---But I'm no expert on IP. I think that line would have too many trochees with it there.
Did you switch to tetrameter for the last stanza on purpose? It seems purposeful, but I'm not sure why. Doesn't matter to me though. I just sit around here hoping I don't happen to like rhyming poem so I don't feel the need to comment. And here you've come in and fouled my plan.
Good job...
bena