Eternity Awaits

[ellajam]

Hi, Poe, while there are lines I really like here, I've been finding it difficult to critique because there's so much I can't make sense of. Here are some notes.

I hear the mysterious langloon
fowering in the Doon
fapping about it's slippery feet
o'er sparkling moss, rocks,
the thickened wool of peat
I like the sound of this but can't define langloon or fowering, iffy on the Doon and did you mean fapping? If any of these are typos please correct, if not I'm lost.

The day stretches back as if she'll never retire
For me stretching back and retiring go together, so I'm not sure what this means.

Gribble and gorse entice Mustang horses
caring neither for
shed nor hay.
Love the gribble and gorse, maybe a comma after horses.

While iridescent beetles draw sinewy lines,
they polish their way through dust and grime.
I'm not sure you need the While, nice image.

Why would the clementines seem so dour?
The sandpiper pale as a willow bud?

The dense black earth is brownly reposing under
spears of yellowing light.

The river has colored rings embedded, then bursts
into mirrors like flowers.
I can't quite get any of the above, not a fan of brownly.

June 2014

So much of this whooshed right over my head, but I'd love to see you work on it a bit. Thanks for the read.