06-11-2014, 12:50 AM
(06-11-2014, 12:21 AM)Erthona Wrote: I don't know about the UK, but here the word "Tuscany" is primarily associated with "Romance Novels", the kind that have Fabio on the cover, so connotatively this starts in a deep hole. This appears to be more or less in 8 foot lines...less rather than more. Some poor word choices such as "whence" which to me seems forced, and simply there to rhyme with "fence". "soporific" seems mainly there for the alliteration. The pairing seems a bit over the top. In fact this piece seems especially littered with forced alliterations. "bee-buzzed bed", say that three time fast. The ababa rhyme seems fairly fresh. "blue-wax melt of heated sky" really? "bemused by breezes", again with the tongue twisters. Individually there are some great lines:Hi dale,
"The bees now leave against the shadows, drunk like sailors lost on shore"
is one of my favorites.
"hyaline white", I'm not even sure that is possible, transparent white?
My personal bias against the word "Tuscany" keeps me from making more comments. It's sad really, that the word has been so over used as to become cliche, it is a lovely place from what I hear, but there you have it.
On the whole a solid write.
Dale
I am in Tuscany right now
Holiday. 35 deg. Pissed. Sky blue and Cypresses black...whence the desi. Hyaline white? Polar bear fur. Heat exhaustion.
Thanks,
Best,
tectak at Podere san Luigi, Montecarulli