06-06-2014, 11:36 AM
Hi Loretta, I have read this many times and like it very much. It's about all of us here, after all. Took me a few days to even muster a crit as I thought most of the other comments were very good. I agree about the title. I wonder if the problem in the title extends into the first stanza...
Ah, I am lost to solitary confines.
My body is at rest, but my mind defined;
by imagination, unbridled and unconfined.
I'm pretty sure the "meaning" in L1 is a joyous time for the speaker. But lost/solitary/confines seem to all carry negative connotations that create a "mood" bigger than the meaning. ( maybe not so much with "lost")
I think you might be asking too much of the word confine. You are asking it to be a comfort in line 1 then demonize it in L3. I see what you were going for, but some readers might not be sure whether or not they want to be confined. I hope that made sense.
I enjoyed this every time I read it. Thanks for sharing, Paul
Ah, I am lost to solitary confines.
My body is at rest, but my mind defined;
by imagination, unbridled and unconfined.
I'm pretty sure the "meaning" in L1 is a joyous time for the speaker. But lost/solitary/confines seem to all carry negative connotations that create a "mood" bigger than the meaning. ( maybe not so much with "lost")
I think you might be asking too much of the word confine. You are asking it to be a comfort in line 1 then demonize it in L3. I see what you were going for, but some readers might not be sure whether or not they want to be confined. I hope that made sense.
I enjoyed this every time I read it. Thanks for sharing, Paul