The Fan

[fantods]

The Fan

I lay and stare, palms spread, eyes locking
onto a single blade following it round and round.
Listening, as the thumping sound [Good internal rhyme here] of sliced through air fills the room.
I recall long ago stories.

Once, as a child, it’s wooden muscles [Good imagery here] knocked me to the ground,
I collapsed in stifled tears and regret.
You’re going to hurt yourself, they had warned. [I like how the final line of each stanza stands alone}

The blades spun round taunting me.
My finger throbbed with intense pain.
I had refused to listen, rebelled.

As the prophetic thuds of those spinning fan blades
scorned my youthful innocence,
I clutched my finger and stifled [Re-used the word stifle... not bad but could be changed] my pain.
I hid the ridicule that comes from admitting,
You were right.
I whimpered through tear-filled eyes with thoughts of the future.

That fan continued to spin for days and years.
Again, when the stench of vodka was greater than a family’s love,
and again, the night fists smashed through walls
from disrespect and anger.

It still spins round, now, as do my defiant thoughts.
They chase me and deride me for
what I’ve done and what I will do.
If only I could listen.

[mallaloca]

Powerful and intense.

[ChristopherSea]

Welcome to the site ChellyM.

I see a strong poem shrouded in a perhaps some unnecessary opening detail and fan imagery. I think I see what you are doing, i.e., building suspense in a slow Hitchcock style. However, I feel that the buildup, with the fan spinning on and on and that injury, etc. distracts from the potential of the piece. It's also done in a bit of a hemming and hawing/back and forth fashion.

I think the essence of your poem is in the last two strophes. You could use the fan better within those two stanzas to produce a more concise and poignant poem. Not a literal re-write of your work, but as example only, I am suggesting something in this fashion:

The Fan

The fan always made a thumping sound
as it sliced through the air in my room
over the years, but the noise never quenched
the stench of vodka that was greater
than a family’s love, or muffle the sound
of the night’s fists smashing through walls.

The fan spins round, as do my defiant thoughts
that chase and deride me for what I've done
and what I will do, if only I could listen.

Something with this straight-forwardness would carry the piece far. It's your own words. I hope this critique helps with your next edit. See what you think and good luck with it./Chris

[outcast]

This piece has potential, yet a few words seem superfluous.
In L3, "through" could go, leaving "sliced air."
Similarly (stipulated by the title) L11 doesn't require the word, "fan."
L16 also seems wordy, as does L17, from which "days" could be axed without loss.
Again owing to concision, the stench of vodka might overpower a family's love in L18.
These would be minor amendments to solid work.
Well done.

[billy]

this is not the feedback members seek. give reasons for liking or disliking etc, why is it powerful why is it intense. is it perfect? if not why not? /mod

Powerful and intense.