Drifting Away

[FutureProof]

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle you don't need two a's here, they seem to hurt the rhythm
Agreed.
Floating further and further away this kind of repetition is boring, can you be more further than further?
I see what you mean, but I think this is something I'll keep here.
Each in their own tormented orbits what are they orbiting?
Orbits here is an analogy to a person's life. We all rotate around our core beliefs and thoughts. The people in our lives are neighboring planets. We are often so set in our ways that it would take a massive event to throw us off our respective axes.
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy maybe describe the memories and show how they are "cruelly happy" rather than telling us in dull language
[/color]Ahh, but what would be a poem if there wasn't some level of mystery? But perhaps I can let the reader in a bit more.
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear wait. Are we in a car or in space? Do cars have orbits? The illusion here is that some of our most vivid and poignant memories are those that are, time-wise, most distant.
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again ok, we get it, your beating a dead horse
[/color]Just my emotions manifesting themselves in writing. It's the pulse of my thoughts and I wouldn't have written it if it wasn't how I felt.
Drifting further away i guess this is a refrain, but you've used away twice in three lines. I would edit the prior line
See previous comment.
Feelings of being trapped in chains. cliche, and your beating a dead horse. Say what you need to say, make your peace, and move on. Its like you are slowing ripping my eyes out.
Noted.
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more. and more is just wasting space...explain or leave it out.
I agree, "more" is too ambiguous.
Forever drifting, further and further away

Im by no means a mediocre poet, but i feel that this poem is missing some of the basics, which i learned only once offering my own poetry up for review.


Grammar is important, and while you managed commas and ellipses, every line doesn't need to be capitalized and the poem as a whole could use a re-edit. I would also think about why you decided to make the poem centered. If you did it to make it look like a poem, i'd suggest moving back to left align so it is easier to read.

Other than that, welcome to the site (i'm new myself) and i was glad to be able to read your poetry.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. To be honest, I wrote this in about 5 minutes and didn't really give it a proper proofread, but definitely noted on the grammar, structure, and alignment.

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Hey, what good would poetry be if it didn't let us explore the melancholy with the joyful?

Before I get into it too deep here, I have a few questions.

First, why center the poem? I think I might be missing the intent here - I usually find that centering a poem actually makes it a lot harder to read, and ends up losing the emphasis that a left-aligned poem usually has at the beginning and ends of lines.

No particular reason. Didn't really think too much about it honestly, just considered centering it to make it more aesthetically appealing.

Another thing I noticed about this poem that I'm curious about is the loose connection between the lines. Some parts of the poem seem clearly like part of one sentence, like the first four lines. You could turn those first four lines into prose and they would make sense, no problem. But other lines seem to be tangentially related -- they would be part of different sentences, or even different paragraphs. It took me a second read through the poem to get a handle on the transitions between lines, on the rhythm of it. I wonder why we're left to our own devices with this, to figure out how the lines connect, or don't, for ourselves.

Perhaps it's because I wrote this in <5 minutes, but yeah I see what you mean. Definitely worth adding in some more structure.

the main feeling that I get in the poem is definitely drifting, but not because of the repetition of the word necessarily … mostly in this poem I'm looking for some anchor, some concrete description or idea or glimmer of narrative, and having a hard time finding it. What memories of a past that seems cruelly happy? Can we see them, experience some sliver of them? What are the objects in mirror that are far away? What has happened to the speaker's family? What is the speaker trying to push towards, trying to escape from? The poem mostly fills me with questions. It was hard for me to connect with this speaker and feel the emotions described in the poem because I felt like I didn't get enough to imagine, to engage with on a more specific level. I wonder if other readers would feel the same way.

Good points. I think I wanted to keep it high-level and mysterious but I certainly don't want to confuse the reader too much. Re: the "cruelly happy" bit. I think what it comes down to, for me, is that I am currently in a bit of a life "slump" and thinking about my happy, nostalgia-soaked memories almost makes it seem cruel that life seemed to start so happy and yet, I find myself depressed today for a couple notable reasons: family and career confusion. As a 20-something, it is a reflection that what once was, is no longer. That the happy moments you replay in your mind, that you probably took for granted and would do anything to relive, will never happen again. It's an expression of lost hope, as depressing as that may sound.

That brings me to my last question: what do you want other people to get out of the poem? Is this for you to understand, or is this for us to understand?

Besides above comment, I think it's my way of acknowledging my own thoughts. I do want to connect with others, and that definitely means I need to open the poem up a bit more and let more people in. It's a hard thing to do, but maybe it will be beneficial for me and others to do that.

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I'm brand new to this site and in no way anything more than a beginner poet but I have to disagree with a few things the reviewers prior to myself mentioned, mainly that there should be some concreteness to the point or more specifics. I think the abstract quality of this poem makes it relatable to more people, they're able to connect it to feelings they've experienced.

However, I would agree with some of the simple grammar adjustments such as removing the extra a in line 2 and the and more in the 2nd to last line. The poem would also be an easier read if it were left aligned as the previous two posters have mentioned.

Another comment is that I'm not sure the trapped in chains followed by weight being unforgiving flows very well. Maybe if they're trapped in chains make the line something about being inescapable.

Interesting note about the abstractness. That was what I felt at first, but it seems readers are interested in learning more. I do not want to give too much away, but do want readers to be able to connect, on some level.

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I enjoyed reading it, there is a few parts with are very good in my opinion like "Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy" and "The memories of warmth and joy. A familial bond seemingly untouchable. Broken, shattered, flushed away" they are very strong expressions and especially the "past that's cruelly happy" part is a very interesting way to describe what your feeling. And then there is some things i don't understand, like "objects in the mirror are farther than they appear" maybe that's just me but i can't figure out what this is metaphor means, or "A blindness of the future" which i think i maybe know what means but don't understand the way it's written, does it mean that the future is completely uncertain? Distaste of the present is very clear. I agree on many of Qdeathstars points, but i feel like the chain part is fine (just personal opinion) but it could be "i feel like being trapped in chains, the wieght so unforgiving" and it could jump straight to that straight after "Broken, shattered, flushed away". I do disagree with Qdeathstar that the "cruelly happy" parts needs anything more to work. You can experiment with it if you want, but save the original.

Appreciate the comments. "Blindness of the future" is really just that. We can try to predict the future all we want. We can think about where we want to be in 5, 10, 20 years down the road. But at the end of the day, we really have no idea at all. In a world where we have Twitter updates on anything within mere seconds, not knowing what the future holds can be a scary thing, at least in my mind.