06-01-2014, 01:39 PM
I'm brand new to this site and in no way anything more than a beginner poet but I have to disagree with a few things the reviewers prior to myself mentioned, mainly that there should be some concreteness to the point or more specifics. I think the abstract quality of this poem makes it relatable to more people, they're able to connect it to feelings they've experienced.
However, I would agree with some of the simple grammar adjustments such as removing the extra a in line 2 and the and more in the 2nd to last line. The poem would also be an easier read if it were left aligned as the previous two posters have mentioned.
Another comment is that I'm not sure the trapped in chains followed by weight being unforgiving flows very well. Maybe if they're trapped in chains make the line something about being inescapable.
However, I would agree with some of the simple grammar adjustments such as removing the extra a in line 2 and the and more in the 2nd to last line. The poem would also be an easier read if it were left aligned as the previous two posters have mentioned.
Another comment is that I'm not sure the trapped in chains followed by weight being unforgiving flows very well. Maybe if they're trapped in chains make the line something about being inescapable.