Bluebird Revised

[Brownlie]

Hi, Brownlie, I'll give it a go.

I'm not sure on this one, but its posted so have fun with it I suppose.

There’s a bluebird inside of me
That warbles when a worm
Is swallowed by my bloating corpse
That aches with every burn
The meter of the first line seems off to me when I compare it to the other first lines. Love the warble and the worm.


In ink it strikes a double chord
And signs an animal
That’s taken as a captured man
No longer seminal
I can't make much sense of these 4 lines.

My smokeless song went riding pale
Unbridled on a swine
I gamboled in a drunken dell
And quaffed with rotten rinds
These lines work well for me, particularly picturing drinking buddies as rotten rinds.

My curses reeked of father stuff
That seek to strangle signs
Of trilling birds that fly to whirs
Of buzzing power lines
This works well for me except for "stuff", I'd prefer something more specific. Trill, whir and buzz so close together are lovely to say.


And so I see my brother now
Who rolls across cement
Pretending he’s an invalid
To beg another cent
I'm not sure what this adds.

Embracing with a distant word
I coax a cracking voice
From out a fragile door he begs
and fades as vacant noise.
Maybe some punctuation would clarify this for me.

Away from him I see a duct
A woman charged with life
Unclipped and free the bluebird flies
To feel itself deprived.
The end seems a little disjointed but I like it. Duct is odd.

All in all an enjoyable read, glad you posted it.

I seemed to have gotten carried away with the allusions again. Bluebird is a spondee so it is a good sign that you caught that. Thanks for reading.