Old Love (edit #1)

[ellajam]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

[Erthona]

ella,

I've no problems except maybe the break between L2 and L3 in S1, seems awkward.

All I can say to the rest is, isn't it true.


Dale

[ellajam]

ella,

I've no problems except maybe the break between L2 and L3 in S1, seems awkward.

All I can say to the rest is, isn't it true.


Dale

Prefer the break on luggage?

[71degrees]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

Like all the "b" sounds in here (e.g. big, balance, butt, brought, burden). Have always felt the "b" sounds were like little kisses, which is a good thing to push your upbeat theme along. Other word choices I like: "nuggets, tickle, giggle"….as a whole the poem is pleasant and easy going on the eyes and ears.

If I had to offer criticism, a bit abstract maybe, not a lot to hang a hat on as far as images I can wrap my imagination around, but what the heck. The message is clear. Eye candy.

[tomoffing]

lovely piece ella.
beautiful sentiment

2 thoughts to ponder;

Like 71 said, a touch abstract, but not so much as to detract.
Id love from the "tracing lines" in stanza two. I think you could capture something beautiful with this. An intimate cheek brush or feathered kiss perhaps? Something that expands from the hand on shoulder/butt patt/hot kisses in stanza one.

And I'm ambivalent about "gleaming nuggets". It doesn't add a lot to the subsequent images and feels a little redundant...

anyway, merely opinions. thanks for the read, and then then smile

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading,

71, I know, it's a simple little thing. I'm glad the sounds came across.

t, yes, those are the lines I mean. I don't like "laugh lines", or the sound of "wrinkles". If I can think of something better I'll replace it. Can there be dull nuggets? Maybe not, I'll think on it.

I'm glad it got a grin, that's what it was for.

[Erthona]

Sorry for going overboard, but you change one thing and others have to be changed.

Counting faded scars from having lost big;
then repacked the luggage for better balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
a welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder,
a pat on the butt,
and kisses hot enough to heat the long winter.
All of this coming with the knowledge
that it was brought by grace and luck.

Dale

[ellajam]

Sorry for going overboard, but you change one thing and others have to be changed.

Counting faded scars from having lost big;
then repacked the luggage for better balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
a welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder,
a pat on the butt,
and kisses hot enough to heat the long winter.
All of this coming with the knowledge
that it was brought by grace and luck.

Dale

Hey, where's my giggle and dance? Can't live without them.

Seriously though, what's left could be a middle age starting over, I'm aiming at older. I'll shuffle it around a bit and see what happens. I'll read yours a while first, thanks.

[Erthona]

cella,

Oh, I just looked at the first stanza, the second stanza is fine. Considering what you said about "I'm aiming at older", I see that. Take the "then" out of L2, maybe move the last two lines of S1 to the end of S2 as they seem more of a conclusion. Of course how you have it is fine, but you know me, once I get to playing with something I just can't stop, which can be good or bad depending on the occasion Hey, can I help it if I am a cunning linguist!

xoxox

Dale

Counting faded scars from having lost big;
repacked the luggage for better balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
a welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder,
a pat on the butt,
and kisses hot enough to heat the long winter.


Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.
All of this coming with the knowledge
that it was brought by grace and luck.

Personally, I would keep it as you have it, but that's just me

[Caleb Murdock]

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

[milo]

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

The verb is "comes".

[ellajam]

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

Good point, i got caught in the "ing"s. I think like that and this was a quickie.

---

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

The verb is "comes".

Good point, this was a quickie.

[Caleb Murdock]

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

Good point, i got caught in the "ing"s. I think like that and this was a quickie.

---

This is certainly a different take on old age than my take.

I notice that the first stanza doesn't have a verb. Perhaps it is just a preference of mine, but I can relate much better to poems that have good "sentencing", as Frost called it.

The verb is "comes".

Good point, this was a quickie.

Oh yes, you're right -- there is a verb in there. I took that to be just one more of the series of phrases. My apologies!

[ellajam]

Well, I've been playing with this, probably to avoid more pressing edits. As usual, unsure if I've sucked the bit of life it had out of it.

[ChristopherSea]

Well, I've been playing with this, probably to avoid more pressing edits. As usual, unsure if I've sucked the bit of life it had out of it.

Marcella, I understand your ambivalence with the versions. Going to ‘they’ from ‘we’ may have depersonalized the poem a bit. The second version also has more of a clinical analysis or texture about it. However, this could just be my read. I do like the 2-step, but again the ‘dance while we can’ sarcasm makes the original have a down to earth appeal. I will read the two versions again for another fresh comparison./Chris

[ellajam]

Well, I've been playing with this, probably to avoid more pressing edits. As usual, unsure if I've sucked the bit of life it had out of it.

Marcella, I understand your ambivalence with the versions. Going to ‘they’ from ‘we’ may have depersonalized the poem a bit. The second version also has more a clinical analysis or texture about it. However, this could just be my read. I do like the 2-step, but again the ‘dance while we can’ sarcasm makes the original have a down to earth appeal. I will read the two versions again for another fresh comparison./Chris

Thanks for reading, Chris. There really wasn't much here to start with and I think the edit, while fun, is probably not a step forward. The change to they was the last thing I did, but even with a change back to we, this may be beyond help.

We count each other's faded scars.
We swallow our losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, our kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Our fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought us here, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
we giggle and dance the two-step.

Meh, even on the two-step.

Care for a jig?

[Brownlie]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

You do some interesting stuff here and I think there is some meat left here, but I may be taking the whole thing the wrong way. The idea of lines and facial expressions were the most compelling aspects of this poem to me.

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars. -- It seems a metaphor like this (if it is supposed to be a metaphor) would work best subtly so the reader is grounded in the senses before experiencing the metaphor.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance. -- There appear to be some varying metrics here you may want to examine.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin, ---This is very cool, because the letters make it so you have to grin when the quotations are said.
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck. -- You may want to consider pinning the abstractions to more precise statements that demonstrate them, though they may be your best use of conveyance.


Their fingers memorize the growing -- I feel like you might want to end a line with the word "line," but I'm overstepping my bounds here
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings, --- Some great stuff going on with this line that ends with the word "endings," has a somewhat irregular metrical pattern to the whole poem, and alludes to death.
they giggle and dance the two-step. -- Very existentialist, you've done what they tried to do in epics and conquered death.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

I don't know hopefully there's something there you can work with. Thanks for posting.

[ellajam]

Brownlie, thank you so much for giving it such a thorough reading. Your comments make me think this may be worth taking another swing at it, I will consider each one and try to make some improvements.

Yes, the meter's pretty wonky, the original had none but I'm at the stage where when I edit I end up with some but not all, awful, huh? I suppose I better go all or nothing. Again, your time and perceptions are greatly appreciated.

[billy]

i can't see too much with the 2nd stanza but was left with a huge pause after the first line, a suggestion would be [but] or [then] instead of [they].

i think the starting of many line with [the] their] etc. take something away from the piece. mainly in the first stanza.

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin[s],
the butt pat[s] and shoulder touch[es].
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack this line doesn't work that well for me. it feels like it wants to have some continuity with the 1st line. [it feels too abrupt] it's the first word of the line that screws it up so a suggestion would be to see if anything can be done with that part, the 2nd part is fine.
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling i'd suggest [with] instead of [their] to help the trasition to the next line.
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden this ties in well wit the 3rd line.
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

[ellajam]

Ha, billy, thanks. When I look back at the original it didn't have a lot of the problems you mention. What have I done?

What do you think about we vs they?

I think I'll go back and see if I can find some happy medium.

Thanks for reading and for your comments, they will help.