Bluebird Revised

[Brownlie]

Brownlie, It would be best if you end punctuated the poem or only capped the first words of sentences. It would make for an easier read. I do like the use of slant rhymes verses strict ones.

As is, I have failed to grasp your extended metaphor of bluebird trapped in a dying body, as his family flashes before him, his song adrift, a duct (aqueduct/lymph duct/air vent?) ahead, bird morphing to woman, etc.

Comments on a few lines: ‘…a worm tunnels into my bloating…’ may be more correct. I am not certain what ‘aches with every burn’ adds to the first stanza. In the next, ‘signs an animal That’s taken as a captured man’ sounds a bit twisted in syntax.

Everything goes a bit to surreal thereafter. I am not sure if I can offer much more help than this until your next edit. I figured that I'd give it a stab, especially with all of your efforts on my poems recently./Chris

Thank you for the critique I will definitely be incorporating some of it into an edit. As for the poem, I thought to write my own version of Bukowski's poem Bluebird that may clear things up a bit.



Bluebird

Charles Bukowski

(not necessarily his best...)





there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?