05-30-2014, 03:18 AM
Brownlie, It would be best if you end punctuated the poem or only capped the first words of sentences. It would make for an easier read. I do like the use of slant rhymes verses strict ones.
As is, I have failed to grasp your extended metaphor of bluebird trapped in a dying body, as his family flashes before him, his song adrift, a duct (aqueduct/lymph duct/air vent?) ahead, bird morphing to woman, etc.
Comments on a few lines: ‘…a worm tunnels into my bloating…’ may be more correct. I am not certain what ‘aches with every burn’ adds to the first stanza. In the next, ‘signs an animal That’s taken as a captured man’ sounds a bit twisted in syntax.
Everything goes a bit to surreal thereafter. I am not sure if I can offer much more help than this until your next edit. I figured that I'd give it a stab, especially with all of your efforts on my poems recently./Chris
As is, I have failed to grasp your extended metaphor of bluebird trapped in a dying body, as his family flashes before him, his song adrift, a duct (aqueduct/lymph duct/air vent?) ahead, bird morphing to woman, etc.
Comments on a few lines: ‘…a worm tunnels into my bloating…’ may be more correct. I am not certain what ‘aches with every burn’ adds to the first stanza. In the next, ‘signs an animal That’s taken as a captured man’ sounds a bit twisted in syntax.
Everything goes a bit to surreal thereafter. I am not sure if I can offer much more help than this until your next edit. I figured that I'd give it a stab, especially with all of your efforts on my poems recently./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris