05-23-2014, 11:01 AM
(05-23-2014, 01:50 AM)Apex Vega Wrote: Oh my ! I fell in love with this the first time I read it, out loud ! Surprisingly easy to speak, i went through it without even one break. Good flow.
I like the language too, your choice in words are just my cup of tea.
And if I try to approach the meaning itself, for me it reveals a battle between natural death and the sick mechanic prolonging of life which many deluded people these days see as the only right thing to do.
"An ugly, angular woman breathes a breath so close to death she rejoices,
But death does not deliver-"
- Great start. You got my attention right away. I can feel the longing to be set free.
"It hasn’t for months nor will it till someone gives up for her.
Her life hangs within the certainty of some sickeningly mechanical balance
That does not cease to preserve her pain."
- Ok, im trying to be critical but im just not a good enough writer to see how this could have been written any better.
"She walks a tightrope of tube and tests and
When she falls
She’s beautiful for a moment
before life affords itself with force."
- This is the only place where I am a little lost, can you explain what you mean with "when she falls" ? I got the image of a woman lying in bed without being able to move or communicate, how can she then fall ? Or do you mean on the heartrate monitor ?
The rest is good, not as good as your start, but good.
All in all, impressing. Looking forward to your next one.
Thanks for the advice! When I said "when she falls" I meant how she comes closer to death once again but she's torn back, however I think this needs rephrasing. Thanks