The Hour of the Wolf

[LorettaYoung]

Hi Loretta, a few comments on your new edit.

The Hour of the Wolf (edit 2)

Fog engulfs the lonely shack,
inside, a trembling man in black
kneels sobbing, at a cold steel cross
repenting, of a Kingdom lost.
He's brought his baggage of despair
dressed to kill in a suit of hair. --dressed to kill is cliche though you do come close to redeeming it for me through the irony
This wolf has supernatural flair
to tear the baggage of despair
now free embrace with musty air.

His heart beats at a record pace
His stomach bleeds acidic gall
exploding onto floor and wall--walls isn't really a rhyme. Wall would sound better here
his head spins and races
to memories and faces,--I'd be tempted to cut dreaded as its too telling and simple pull up "and faces" to the end as he paces
and paces
on the shadows
of the vomit stained floor.[b]--I'd maybe cut stained. You have a lot of modifiers here.

He suffers from the tearing claws
the pain of unrelenting jaws,
of the wolf who awaits
in the fearful weeping place,--this feels like it needs to lead of with "in"
now sucks his living breath
the life of him, his will:--This is where you could play with the sucks in the last line a bit more something like "the marrow of his will" perhaps
The hour of the wolf,
is meant to kill.

The clock on the wall, it--hung seems unnecessary
ticks,
ticks
ticks
approaching dawn.
Unknowing of the violent storm
a ray of light intrudes
to shine upon,
a battered shell of man
sprawled across a chair:
The hour of the wolf
the depth of living hell
and our despair.

The edit is an improvement. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

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Hi Todd: thanks for your coments; the irony would be a natural extent of my bit of humor. I agree with all the other changes, how about last line S2 "on the vomit stained floor"; I agree with a change, ie, marrow, but not sure how, as I like the sound of the breaks there. Back to the thinking board. Thanks again. Loretta