Darkness within

[manofleags]

These words are of my pain,
misery consuming my veins,
it pours out of my flesh, and
collects and pools around my bed

Darkness has swallowed me whole, and
my fears have abandoned their homes
Within me they flourish and call,
for my end and my pain to grip and hold

In light, I find my soul,
Deep, deep there is some hope,
I know, this is and “know”, this I am told,
by those before me and those
in stories to be told

I search for it wherever I am,
It is lost but I know it can be found
I call but there is simply no sound

So I pray, as all do
I do, without a clue
My fears are true and true,
and as such I call a truce

I hear my heart, nay…
my soul, bleeding with guilt,
oh please change your wicked will
I submit to my urges and
numb the senses, to gain the ecstasy
of the wicked and senseless

[rowens]

This poem doesn't do or say anything that an illiterate person in pain couldn't say in less than a minute. You might be glad to accomplish that. To speak for those that can't speak. That's fine in its way. But they could say this to themselves in less than a minute.

[Erthona]

"Darkness has swallowed me hole" is that Popeye talking about Olive Oil?

I also like the totally senseless on again, off again, punctuation.
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"Within me they flourish and call, for my end..." Is this anything like "me hole"?

I also like the non-rhymes "told" - "told", and forced rhyme "in stories to be told". I don't believe I've ever seen a non-rhyme and a forced rhyme within the same rhyme before, quite astounding.

Yet then on top of that forced couplets with off rhyme:

"So I pray, as all do
I do, without a clue
My fears are true and true,
and as such I call a truce"

My favorite line is "the wicked and senseless". Is that "senseless wickedness", or wickedly senseless.

To misquote:

"My fears are true and true
I do, write this poem without a clue."


Sorry, there is simply nothing to salvage. Maybe you need to write you next poem on a scale a little less grand (but not a love poem). Maybe first, look at some other people's poems and offer what critique you can. Look for lack of clarity in a poem, if you notice that, comment on it. Maybe learn some form poems to start, like limericks. Sometimes too much freedom...or any at all is a bad thing.

Welcome aboard,

Dale