05-22-2014, 10:48 AM
Brownlie,
I think this would read better in present tense, for more eek effect
As:
I wake at night
and hear them in the walls
I seek a corpse to pin them to
so I can lift this ghastly pall.
Maybe some punctuation would be beneficial. Plus I have no idea what it is you are attempting to say. Do you mean you hear the "squeak" of ghost mice, and you think that somehow if you find a mouse skeleton you will be able to attach it to them and thus eradicate them? Sorry, but this is to confusing to make sense of for me. Maybe I'm just dense, but you need to tell me more before I get what you are trying to say.
Beasties,
Dale
I think this would read better in present tense, for more eek effect
As:I wake at night
and hear them in the walls
I seek a corpse to pin them to
so I can lift this ghastly pall.
Maybe some punctuation would be beneficial. Plus I have no idea what it is you are attempting to say. Do you mean you hear the "squeak" of ghost mice, and you think that somehow if you find a mouse skeleton you will be able to attach it to them and thus eradicate them? Sorry, but this is to confusing to make sense of for me. Maybe I'm just dense, but you need to tell me more before I get what you are trying to say.
Beasties,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.