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It's not that I don't anymore it's
that I never did. You calling at
Seven o' seven to blister my joy,
I forget it's not your intention.
When I bartered your dependence for
my nights out I was your sweet
predilection. But I knew you well
enough to assume circumvention.
I'll be there in a minute.
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(05-13-2014, 10:46 AM)newsclippings Wrote:
It's not that I don't anymore it's --Maybe consider stronger end words for your lines. What don't you do anymore?
that I never did. You calling at
Seven o' seven to blister my joy,
I forget it's not your intention.
When I bartered your dependence for
my nights out I was your sweet
predilection. But I knew you well
enough to assume circumvention.
You were not care, -- Awkward syntax here
I was not a bind.
I was your contempt,
and you were my child. -- I hate this part.
Well it sounds a little like something Sylvia Plath would write, but it does little to reach beyond the antipathy.
My two cents.
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You were not a care,
I was not a bind.
I was your contempt,
you're a child of mine.
trochee trimeter with xaxa rhyme pattern. Like this any better?
dale the editor
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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I do!
It's just the care part. "She did not care" was the intent.
I'll be there in a minute.
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Yeah. I don't know how to put that in without changing the meaning of what follows. The implication would be that you didn't care that/so I was/wasn't a...."
"A child/girl who never cared." or "A child/girl who never cared I was not a bind"? I think the first example is going to be hard to pull of because the inclination is to ask, "cared about what?"
dale the cared...
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Fuck it I just got rid of it.
I'll be there in a minute.
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i read circumvention as circumcision ...yes i know, i have issues.
i actually liked the 3rd stanza. it acted like reinforced concrete to what came before it. i was also fine with the syntax.
the last line could have done without [were]
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I suppose. Author sounded a bit weak with it though. I don't like that. I tried, but I can't end poems and I am terrible at goodbyes, so I often just leave. I bet it's obvious, with the awkward cutoffs ironically drawing more attention.
I'll be there in a minute.
