05-22-2014, 03:27 AM
My suggestions don't matter very much. I just thought you could take your time with it, even if it's burning to come out, and get to the heart of the poem, whatever that means. All I know is that a few of the lines and the shape of the poem create a tone and an atmosphere for me.
You're telling the story best here:
his stomach bleeds acidic waste
erupting forth on floor and walls.
His head begins to spin and race,
to dreaded memories and faces;
as he paces,
and paces, among the shadows
of the blood red vomit stained floor.
You're forceful there, tearing through the story.
But with:
at this last stop,
he just can't win
and other lines like that, it feels like you're backtracking or running in place.
You're telling the story best here:
his stomach bleeds acidic waste
erupting forth on floor and walls.
His head begins to spin and race,
to dreaded memories and faces;
as he paces,
and paces, among the shadows
of the blood red vomit stained floor.
You're forceful there, tearing through the story.
But with:
at this last stop,
he just can't win
and other lines like that, it feels like you're backtracking or running in place.