Drive

[Hog Butcher]

Hi guys! Thanks for your comments. I guessed from the lack of comments that this poem was in need of some workshopping.
I totally take on board your comments about disjointedness. Hopefully my description below will make it more clear what I was writing about- I certaintly don't aim for obscureness deliberately.

The poem is about a man driving on a road who sees the sunrise (strike of a match/racing up further grey).

But saying "strike of the match" makes it seem like this man is actually striking a match, like he's a smoker.

Poetry provokes speculative thought, but the imagery can't be ambiguous. It's okay, even preferable, to just describe things as they are.

For him the sunrise awakens his desire to be something, or do something important - his drive to live. The burning is about how that desire to do something consumes him(clips through the chatters of the day), but also makes him anxious(sweating).

Then say those things, and try to say them in an aesthetically pleasing way. Figures of speech should be used in a manner that makes them obviously figurative.

In the end he is left in his car with the smog(black luggage), driving to his unfullfilled destiny (empty horizon).

You can't expect people to know that "black luggage" means "smog," etc.



You want to say things like,

Another day starts with
the sun erupting
over the timbers

That's not only more economical, it's also more descriptive and beautiful. You can add an adjective or two in there, to qualify "sun" and "timbers" if you wish. I wouldn't suggest sharp, however.

Basically, my method of writing is to first just jot down the most literal, simple representation of the subject I can, and then see where I can effectively enhance the poem with figurative meanings and/or rhythmic devices. If I can't make it work, I don't add it. Over the course of several days and multiple revelations, I have a poem. I think you're trying too hard to be poetic and it's confusing your audience. Try being more direct.