Drive

another day starts with
the strike of a match

Racing up the sharp
timbers

from the further grey.

That burning it keeps
the drivers sweating

and clips through the
chatters of the day

until all that is left are
bare hopes.

carrying their smog
down the road

empty luggage for a
black horizon

a horizon,

where embers
and tears meet.

(05-09-2014, 10:47 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Drive

another day starts with
the strike of a match

Racing up the sharp
timbers

from the further grey.

That burning it keeps
the drivers sweating

and clips through the
chatters of the day

until all that is left are
bare hopes.

carrying their smog
down the road

empty luggage for a
black horizon

a horizon,

where embers
and tears meet.

Hello beno,
I do not normally comment on poetic pieces which appear to be languishing, or at least, not specifically for that reason. In this case, having read and reread the piece, I am still unsure of two things. Firstly, what is it about. Secondly, why has no one commented on it. Two questions...one answer. It is lacking in intent.
There is nothing in the piece which concludes and being enigmatic there is nothing
in it which can be contradicted in poetic terms ( disconnects, displacement, inversions, etc.)
I am happy to be wrong as then some critics may decide to support the piece in ways l can not.
My suggestion would be to add texture and bulk to the piece...but decide at the outset that you want to include the reader in your understanding of what you are writing about. That includes using metaphors to explain and punctuation for clarity. Peculiar enjambments and random line breaks do not make good poetry...no matter what you hear from the thousands of pretenders.
Best,
tectak

Sorry benno, I have been reading this for a while too and still can't get a handle on it. Here are some notes:

(05-09-2014, 10:47 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Drive

another day starts with
the strike of a match

Racing up the sharp
timbers
The first 4 lines are a nice image, but I can't get it to lead anywhere. Is the capital R a clue? I'm lost.

from the further grey. I don't understand "further grey".

That burning it keeps
the drivers sweating

and clips through the
chatters of the day

until all that is left are
bare hopes.
I'm not sure what that burning is so I don't know why it has these effects.

carrying their smog
down the road

empty luggage for a
black horizon

a horizon,
What empty luggage? Why the double horizon? Again, I'm lost.

where embers
and tears meet.
Pretty end, but too late

I hope this helps you understand why the poem did not work for me. I am not asking for an explanation, just trying to give you some ammo if you choose to edit.

Welcome, I hope you're enjoying the site, great to see you posting critiques.

There is a good image here in the lit match, but the subject matter remains abstract in those 'hopes' and 'tears'. The hit and miss line breaks, odd punctuation and random capitalization is distracting. Specifically, there is no period after 'match', yet 'Racing' is capped. There are line breaks where commas should be, which could be fine, except the first 'horizon' has both a comma and a break. There are other breaks on weak words such as: 'with', 'the', 'a'. Lines breaks after articles are not a good choice. I recommend reviewing all of the above. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

Sounds like an anti-smoking ad to me, or at least that's about all I could get from it. I don't understand the need to be so cryptic. There is little I can add to what has been said, except to agree with it.
Best,

Dale

Hi guys! Thanks for your comments. I guessed from the lack of comments that this poem was in need of some workshopping.
I totally take on board your comments about disjointedness. Hopefully my description below will make it more clear what I was writing about- I certaintly don't aim for obscureness deliberately.

The poem is about a man driving on a road who sees the sunrise (strike of a match/racing up further grey).

For him the sunrise awakens his desire to be something, or do something important - his drive to live. The burning is about how that desire to do something consumes him(clips through the chatters of the day), but also makes him anxious(sweating).

In the end he is left in his car with the smog(black luggage), driving to his unfullfilled destiny (empty horizon).

But his idea of destiny has become tinged with a sort of sadness(embers and tears meet).

I don't know if that helps at all.

B

It doesn't, and here's why.

For your walkthrough to fit what's written, specific clauses have to modify other specific clauses. E.g., the smog and the luggage. But the lack of punctuation makes it impossible--not hard, but impossible--to perform the work needed to extract the sense you want extracted.

Moreover, your words don't mean what you want them to. Again, e.g., smog is a portmanteau of smoke and smog--it doesn't mean "smoke" which you seem to intend it to mean. Likewise, a sunrise isn't a sudden flaming, like a matchstrike, but rather a slow process of brightening leading to a tiny sliver of light.

Anyway, I'm with everyone else--punctuate and rewrite.

---

Not for nothing, on the verbiage note I made above, an "empty horizon" is a metaphor for "free and open possibility," and destiny is the notion of predetermined actions, so that the terms are actually polar opposites.

(05-09-2014, 10:47 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Drive

another day starts with
the strike of a match

Racing up the sharp
timbers

from the further grey.

That burning it keeps
the drivers sweating

and clips through the
chatters of the day

until all that is left are
bare hopes.

carrying their smog
down the road

empty luggage for a
black horizon

a horizon,

where embers
and tears meet.

From what I've learned about poetry and what I do my poetry about I think you end your stanzas with words that don't add any extra emotion such as the words a and the. Despite that I love your use of punctuation, (mainly because that's the one thing I have a problem with), other wise I love your poem it's written very beautifully!

Hi,
I gotta be honest, I agree with others- hard to tell what this is about. There are some lines that really resonated with me, and gave me some cool images. However, the other, muddier lines took away from the poetic ones. I'm also not sure that arranging the piece in couplets does much to make it easy to read. I'm going to make a few comments on the lines I enjoyed and then the ones that I felt took away from that enjoyment. Hope this is helpful.

(05-09-2014, 10:47 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Drive

another day starts with
the strike of a match I like the first two lines. They caught my attention and made me want to continue. However, bear in mind that they set the grammar/punctuation style for the rest of the piece. I like the no-punctuation or caps style, so I was totally fine when it seemed the piece would be in that style. But then the rest of the poem was in full-sentence format. Gotta make up your mind!

Racing up the sharp
timbers

from the further grey. These three lines just don't make sense. I liked the "racing" because it likened the strike of a match to the beginning of a race. The rest of the line means nothing to me. Also, we're 5 lines in and still no inkling of the subject of the piece...

That burning comma here it keeps
the drivers sweating Solid lines, solid image. Unfortunately, there is no context. Subject???

and clips through the
chatters of the day The burning "clips?" Confusing. "chatters of the day" is a cool line, though. Whatever you do to this piece, try and keep it. It's simple but descriptive.

until all that is left are
bare hopes. Something awkward about the grammar here- "all that are left" perhaps? Not sure. Anyways, this would be a lovely desolate line if only it meant something.

carrying their smog
down the road Good image.

empty luggage for a
black horizon I really like these last 4 lines. Quite a lot, actually. But (and I hate to say this again), I just really wish I knew what they meant! They would be so much more powerful with context and direction.

a horizon, You just used the word "horizon"- I understand why you're repeating it, but I'm not a fan. Nevertheless, it would be less awkward (and more grammatically correct) if you remove the comma after the second use of the word and put a comma after the first use.

where embers
and tears meet. Cool line, means nothing. Perhaps when the poem has found its direction, a more poignant last line will appear out of nowhere to complete the piece.

Don't get me wrong- there are some lines in here I quite like. But as a whole, this has no subject to me. I'm sure that when you wrote it, you knew what you were talking about. But that doesn't translate here. Too many whimsical images, not enough meaning to give them substance. I think you should take those really good lines and re-use them in the next version of this. I'm very curious to see how this turns out! Hope all that helped.

Hmmm I feel like this poem is kind of an "insider". I see different subjects but they don't seem to connect to me. What I do like is your word choice. The diction gives the poem a subject of heat and burning(embers, strike of a match, burning, etc.) It's like you got the words up to par with your intrinsic subject, but the sentences and stanzas need some alignment. I also thought that the lines were divided a little awkwardly. But I just would like to see a more clear edit of this. I think it'd be awesome.

(05-13-2014, 10:06 AM)crow Wrote:  It doesn't, and here's why.

For your walkthrough to fit what's written, specific clauses have to modify other specific clauses. E.g., the smog and the luggage. But the lack of punctuation makes it impossible--not hard, but impossible--to perform the work needed to extract the sense you want extracted.

Moreover, your words don't mean what you want them to. Again, e.g., smog is a portmanteau of smoke and smog--it doesn't mean "smoke" which you seem to intend it to mean. Likewise, a sunrise isn't a sudden flaming, like a matchstrike, but rather a slow process of brightening leading to a tiny sliver of light.

Anyway, I'm with everyone else--punctuate and rewrite.

---

Not for nothing, on the verbiage note I made above, an "empty horizon" is a metaphor for "free and open possibility," and destiny is the notion of predetermined actions, so that the terms are actually polar opposites.

Smoke and Fog=smog...point of order
Very Best,
tectak

(05-13-2014, 08:44 AM)benno_422 Wrote:  Hi guys! Thanks for your comments. I guessed from the lack of comments that this poem was in need of some workshopping.
I totally take on board your comments about disjointedness. Hopefully my description below will make it more clear what I was writing about- I certaintly don't aim for obscureness deliberately.

The poem is about a man driving on a road who sees the sunrise (strike of a match/racing up further grey).

But saying "strike of the match" makes it seem like this man is actually striking a match, like he's a smoker.

Poetry provokes speculative thought, but the imagery can't be ambiguous. It's okay, even preferable, to just describe things as they are.

Quote:For him the sunrise awakens his desire to be something, or do something important - his drive to live. The burning is about how that desire to do something consumes him(clips through the chatters of the day), but also makes him anxious(sweating).

Then say those things, and try to say them in an aesthetically pleasing way. Figures of speech should be used in a manner that makes them obviously figurative.

Quote:In the end he is left in his car with the smog(black luggage), driving to his unfullfilled destiny (empty horizon).

You can't expect people to know that "black luggage" means "smog," etc.



You want to say things like,

Another day starts with
the sun erupting
over the timbers

That's not only more economical, it's also more descriptive and beautiful. You can add an adjective or two in there, to qualify "sun" and "timbers" if you wish. I wouldn't suggest sharp, however.

Basically, my method of writing is to first just jot down the most literal, simple representation of the subject I can, and then see where I can effectively enhance the poem with figurative meanings and/or rhythmic devices. If I can't make it work, I don't add it. Over the course of several days and multiple revelations, I have a poem. I think you're trying too hard to be poetic and it's confusing your audience. Try being more direct.

I will admit I have not read the other comments so if you have clarified the subject matter I apologize.

This to me sounds like an ode to a lonesome trucker. Striking a match for a cigarette at the start of the day, having a driver sweating, smog on the road. It's an interesting subject matter, but I think you need more. The way you try to express a trucker's day and emotions in a minimalist way is cool, but more descriptive words and a more clear plot would definitely help. The delusion that truck drivers often feel while on the road is an awesome subject matter, really pour your soul into this one!