05-21-2014, 06:43 AM
Dark and quiet
at the lonesome shack,
far from home,
alone, and no way back;
the suitcase he brings,
full only with despairing things.
No rest for him,
there is no exit from,
himself, no place to run
You're packing on these things that detract from the tone of the poem.
far from home
alone
no way back
no place to run
These are important details. But as you have them here, they feel like a list. If you could say those same things in more novel ways. If you could imaginatively condense these meanings. You're simply listing literal expressions that pretty much mean the same thing, but you could try to nuance those meanings.
The hour of the wolf
has come again to him,
who cannot win;
deflect the wicked claws,
the biting faces
of the wolf who crouches,
in uninvited places
to occupy once clean spaces
at the lonesome shack,
far from home,
alone, and no way back;
the suitcase he brings,
full only with despairing things.
No rest for him,
there is no exit from,
himself, no place to run
You're packing on these things that detract from the tone of the poem.
far from home
alone
no way back
no place to run
These are important details. But as you have them here, they feel like a list. If you could say those same things in more novel ways. If you could imaginatively condense these meanings. You're simply listing literal expressions that pretty much mean the same thing, but you could try to nuance those meanings.
The hour of the wolf
has come again to him,
who cannot win;
deflect the wicked claws,
the biting faces
of the wolf who crouches,
in uninvited places
to occupy once clean spaces