Acer Aspiration

[ellajam]

Hi, Chris, I've been enjoying this and, as usual, you've done an effective edit. A few notes:

Dale/bena edit 1 thank you

Acer Aspiration

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands. Clear image, I know that tree.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers. Good change in position here, it works.
Undaunted, she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble. Nice sound and accurate description, well done.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by fervent flies. Fervent flies are a bit much for me after sugary straws.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots. Again, clear image and I can feel the sharpness.

Motorists won’t notice this miracle
of survival or realize the decades
it will take her to mature
or appreciate that she’ll donate
two gallons of her sap
to provide just enough syrup
for their morning waffles.

You noticed, so maybe "Most motorists don't notice this miracle." I think "of survival or realize the decades it will take her to mature or" could be cut, I think the lines after it say this and say it in a more interesting way. I love the end.



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Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

Hope this helps, good work here.