hi lorretta, i try not to see any poem as sloppy. i try and see it as does it work or doesn't it work for me. the 2nd verse had the same problems as the rest of the poem for me. a few ideas on the start of the 2nd.
Despair dressed in a suit of hair, while it has good sounds it feels too literal and in turn makes the lair on the next line feel forced. the good part about this line is that we can look at the wolf as something other than canis lupus. i now see as more the proverbial wolf at the door (something problematic)
the wolf it crouches in his lair. here's a major problem...the [it] and as i said [lair] feels forced
With razor sharp, his tearing claws, here [with] screws the line up, remove [with] and the line works a lot better. as does the next
and dripping, unrelenting jaws.
The wolf it needs no human flair and here's the [it] again, that it's said so often makes it stand out all the more. as a refrain [the wolf] works [the wolf it] does not.
i get a feeling that you have a need to make it rhyme, doing so might be where the problem is. try and write it without rhyme to start with, or just use an odd rhyme if it jumps out at you. once the poem's laid down then start to add rhyme and alter words (if that's what you want. at present it feels like the rhyme is dictating everything instead of being the culmination of each line. again this is only my opinion and you should have a good think about it and not just accept what i say. what do others say, now i've said that, how do you see the rhymes? make each word you write count. if it doesn't, remove it
hope i helped
Despair dressed in a suit of hair, while it has good sounds it feels too literal and in turn makes the lair on the next line feel forced. the good part about this line is that we can look at the wolf as something other than canis lupus. i now see as more the proverbial wolf at the door (something problematic)
the wolf it crouches in his lair. here's a major problem...the [it] and as i said [lair] feels forced
With razor sharp, his tearing claws, here [with] screws the line up, remove [with] and the line works a lot better. as does the next
and dripping, unrelenting jaws.
The wolf it needs no human flair and here's the [it] again, that it's said so often makes it stand out all the more. as a refrain [the wolf] works [the wolf it] does not.
i get a feeling that you have a need to make it rhyme, doing so might be where the problem is. try and write it without rhyme to start with, or just use an odd rhyme if it jumps out at you. once the poem's laid down then start to add rhyme and alter words (if that's what you want. at present it feels like the rhyme is dictating everything instead of being the culmination of each line. again this is only my opinion and you should have a good think about it and not just accept what i say. what do others say, now i've said that, how do you see the rhymes? make each word you write count. if it doesn't, remove it
hope i helped
(05-19-2014, 10:13 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: Thank you Billy, for reading and your time commenting. Before your post I was slowly trying to edit; in my answered post to Rowens. I will look carefully and closely and do an edit after; do you agree that the first part of the 2nd stanza is sloppy? Thanks, Loretta
Pitch black his lonesome shack
deep in the woods, and no way back
no rest for him, no exit from
the bags he brings, full
only with despairing things
The wolf it crouches in his lair
despair dressed in a suit of hair
his razor sharp tearing claws
and dripping unrelenting jaws
the wolf it needs no human flair
to ear the suitcase of despair
Pitch black his lonesome shack
deep in the woods, and no way back
no rest for him, no exit from
the bags he brings, full
only with despairing things
The wolf it crouches in his lair
despair dressed in a suit of hair
his razor sharp tearing claws
and dripping unrelenting jaws
the wolf it needs no human flair
to ear the suitcase of despair