05-19-2014, 07:47 AM
Evening.
I like it, after reading it a couple times ofcourse. I would just like to add that I do not agree with the "mild critique" on the arhitecture of your sentences. I will propose the exact opposite and say that you give it a significantly more attractive flow with the way you chose to build, the motion in this poem is actually (in my eyes) very beautiful.
"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;"
- Which is dreams, I presume.
"she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."
- Here you mention dreams twice. This is probably just a silly connection which is not a real connection, or are their meanings related ?
I like it, after reading it a couple times ofcourse. I would just like to add that I do not agree with the "mild critique" on the arhitecture of your sentences. I will propose the exact opposite and say that you give it a significantly more attractive flow with the way you chose to build, the motion in this poem is actually (in my eyes) very beautiful.
"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;"
- Which is dreams, I presume.
"she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."
- Here you mention dreams twice. This is probably just a silly connection which is not a real connection, or are their meanings related ?