Breath of Life

[Thoughtjotter]

2nd Edit

Trochaic Tetrameter alternating with
Trochaic Trimeter (Maybe?)

Raging winds took ship and lives,
prompts the poet's rhymes.
Singing to lost sailor's wives;
Songs proclaiming; "hope survives".
Warm winds blow and spring arrives,
life and better times.

Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze,
comfort for us all.
Unseen fingers through the trees;
Sways tree branch and rustles leaves.
Morning frost upon the sheaves,
early feel of fall.

Through the canyon rock it screams,
forcing snow to fly.
Gale winds paint the winter's theme;
Waving aspen's golden sheen,
valley down below agleam,
up above, blue sky.



Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
to restless spirit, earth concedes.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam.

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely.

Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

[LorettaYoung]

I love the meter and rhythm of the poem. I am not sure about verse 4; how it relates, lonely cries seem the opposite of screams, the last line "she sighs, please sweet breeze" but I am in question about the relate to "blow until it dries". Nice reading. Loretta

[Jinxy]

Second stanza:
b
b
c
d (I stumbled on this line, noticeable half-rhyme)


"these lonely sounds make lonely dreams" doesn't sit too well with me. I'm not too sure why to be honest. If someone else picks up on it, then you know there's an issue. Otherwise, my bad : P.

[Mopkins]

Breath of Life
CROSSing/ SEAS from/ DAWN of/ TIME,
eLIC/its WORDS/ for SAIL/or's RHYME.
SINGing/ SONGS to/ LONEly/ WIVES,
the WIND/ in TUNE/ uPON/ the CHIMES.

BEARing/ RAIN when/ SPRING ar/RIVES
or RAN/dom FU/ry, TAK/ing LIVES.
COOLing/ BROW with/ GENTle/ BREEZE,
the SMELL/ of AUT/umn at SUN/rise. (iamb/iamb/anapaest?)

UNseen/ FINGers/ THROUGH the/ TREES,
to SWAY/ the BRANCH/ and RUST/le LEAVES.
PASSing/ OVer / HILLS of/ GREEN,
this REST/less SPIR/it, EARTH/ conCEIVES.

WAVing/ ASPen's/ GOLDen/ SHEEN,
on THROUGH/ the CAN/yon ROCK/ it SCREAMS.
MOANing/ as the COLD/SNOW FLIES (trochee/anapaest/spondee?)
these LONE/ly SOUNDS/ make LONE/ly DREAMS.

"Last SHEET/ on the LINE/" she SIGHS, (iamb/anapaest/iamb?)
"PLEASE sweet/ BREEZE, BLOW/ unTIL/ it DRIES." (trochee/spondee/iamb/iamb?)



A nice sonnet... Still new to scanning so I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve done the above wrong, The few deviations from meter didn’t bother me, I thought that for the most part, it was smooth and flowing. The last two lines however, i feel would be better if they were the same length, after all, the line length is consistent in the rest of the poem. Overall, I liked it. Marianne

[Thoughtjotter]

I love the meter and rhythm of the poem. I am not sure about verse 4; how it relates, lonely cries seem the opposite of screams, the last line "she sighs, please sweet breeze" but I am in question about the relate to "blow until it dries". Nice reading. Loretta

Thank you, Loretta, I will see what I can do. I did force the couplet and now I see that it needs work.
Thanks again for your valuable feedback,

R T

---

Second stanza:
b
b
c
d (I stumbled on this line, noticeable half-rhyme)


"these lonely sounds make lonely dreams" doesn't sit too well with me. I'm not too sure why to be honest. If someone else picks up on it, then you know there's an issue. Otherwise, my bad : P.

Thank you, Jinxy, I still have much to learn about meter and rhyme. "these lonely sounds make lonely dreams" just sorta popped out while I was writing. I'll rethink it,
R T

---

Breath of Life
CROSSing/ SEAS from/ DAWN of/ TIME,
eLIC/its WORDS/ for SAIL/or's RHYME.
SINGing/ SONGS to/ LONEly/ WIVES,
the WIND/ in TUNE/ uPON/ the CHIMES.

BEARing/ RAIN when/ SPRING ar/RIVES
or RAN/dom FU/ry, TAK/ing LIVES.
COOLing/ BROW with/ GENTle/ BREEZE,
the SMELL/ of AUT/umn at SUN/rise. (iamb/iamb/anapaest?)

UNseen/ FINGers/ THROUGH the/ TREES,
to SWAY/ the BRANCH/ and RUST/le LEAVES.
PASSing/ OVer / HILLS of/ GREEN,
this REST/less SPIR/it, EARTH/ conCEIVES.

WAVing/ ASPen's/ GOLDen/ SHEEN,
on THROUGH/ the CAN/yon ROCK/ it SCREAMS.
MOANing/ as the COLD/SNOW FLIES (trochee/anapaest/spondee?)
these LONE/ly SOUNDS/ make LONE/ly DREAMS.

"Last SHEET/ on the LINE/" she SIGHS, (iamb/anapaest/iamb?)
"PLEASE sweet/ BREEZE, BLOW/ unTIL/ it DRIES." (trochee/spondee/iamb/iamb?)



A nice sonnet... Still new to scanning so I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve done the above wrong, The few deviations from meter didn’t bother me, I thought that for the most part, it was smooth and flowing. The last two lines however, i feel would be better if they were the same length, after all, the line length is consistent in the rest of the poem. Overall, I liked it. Marianne

Thank you, Marianne, you have helped me a great deal here. I have not yet learned how to tell which words are optionally stressed or unstressed and the words which should always be unstressed or stressed.
Uh, did I say that right? There's a lot of stress in this Meter business.
Back to the drawing board, Thanks again,
R T

[UnclePedro]

Hey Thoughtjotter

I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro

[ellajam]

Hi, TJ, glad to see you working on this. The usual format is to label the Original and place the labeled edit above it so that the current edit is always on top.

[Thoughtjotter]

Hey Thoughtjotter

I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro

T
Sorry about the mix up with the edit and thank you for your thoughts. I have made some options for the second stanza, hope they work. I liked the original couplet also but I can't get the stressed/unstressed syllables working. It reads a bit sing/songy also, hope it's not too bad.
Someday I will get it right, Thanks again,

R T

---

Hi, TJ, glad to see you working on this. The usual format is to label the Original and place the labeled edit above it so that the current edit is always on top.

Oh Yea, I forgot, got it now. Thanks,

TJ/RT

[heslopian]

Review of 1st edit:
I found this poem somewhat hard to read because of its unique grammar. That may be more my problem than yours, though I will say you need a "the" or an "a" before "breath of life" in your last line, unless you make "breath" plural. Let me show you what I mean by the grammar. Take your opening lines:

"Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme."

Firstly, what is crossing the sea and elicits words? I know it's the breath of life, but these lines are, or should be, a self-sufficient sentence. Instead, they feel like the latter clauses of a sentence. They might work if you replace "elicits" with "eliciting", because then both lines are of the same tense and can therefore earn a poetic licence.
The other problems are that "dawn" should have "the" and "sailor's" "a" before them. I'm sure you're trying for a meter, but in this case the meter doesn't quite justify the grammar, for me. There's a lot of promise here, though. The last two lines of verse three are really charming and powerful, as is your natural imagery. Keep working at your meter (I tear my hair out when I try to use it, so you're doing better than me), and thank you for the read

[Brownlie]

Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time, --This reads a little awkwardly maybe "dawning time" instead of "dawn of time"
elicits words for sailor's rhyme. -- "A sailor's rhyme"
Singing songs to lonely wives,-- there are some varied metrics on this line you might want to consider
the wind in tune upon the chimes. --This reads a bit awkward. I'm not sure what "the chimes" are that you're referring to.


Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves. -- Maybe "a" branch instead of "the"
Passing over hills of green,-- I think you call this thing a linguistic inversion which makes the poem sound unnatural

to restless spirit, earth concedes. -- Again I would be weary of the metrics here.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam. --

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely. - Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,A little awkward her.


elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

This is an ambitious poem, but it seems to be rendered a little awkward in some places. However, I did like aspects of it and think there is room for improvement. Hopefully you have enough to work with if you want to do a revision. Let me know if you have any questions. Though, I'm a bit of a dolt.

[Thoughtjotter]

Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time, --This reads a little awkwardly maybe "dawning time" instead of "dawn of time"
elicits words for sailor's rhyme. -- "A sailor's rhyme"
Singing songs to lonely wives,-- there are some varied metrics on this line you might want to consider
the wind in tune upon the chimes. --This reads a bit awkward. I'm not sure what "the chimes" are that you're referring to.


Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves. -- Maybe "a" branch instead of "the"
Passing over hills of green,-- I think you call this thing a linguistic inversion which makes the poem sound unnatural

to restless spirit, earth concedes. -- Again I would be weary of the metrics here.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam. --

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely. - Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,A little awkward her.


elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

This is an ambitious poem, but it seems to be rendered a little awkward in some places. However, I did like aspects of it and think there is room for improvement. Hopefully you have enough to work with if you want to do a revision. Let me know if you have any questions. Though, I'm a bit of a dolt.

No Sir, You are no dolt, I would lay claim to that one.(though I would need to change the "bit" to big)My compulsiveness tends to often step ahead of logic. There's an old saying that I just made up (about myself) - "Only fools cross frozen river on Pogo stick"
I appreciate and need all the honest critique and help that I can get.
When I wrote this I had no clue of the differences of trochaic feet, iambic or anapest. I have begun to study poetic meter only recently. I have now learned enough to be totally confused about the different ways that a poem can be read as compared to the poet's intentions, including my own efforts. The where's and when's of syllables, stressed/unstressed will eventually soak in as I tend to learn by an osmosis process.
I will continue to work on,everything, Thanks for the help,
R T

---

Review of 1st edit:
I found this poem somewhat hard to read because of its unique grammar. That may be more my problem than yours, though I will say you need a "the" or an "a" before "breath of life" in your last line, unless you make "breath" plural. Let me show you what I mean by the grammar. Take your opening lines:

"Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme."

Firstly, what is crossing the sea and elicits words? I know it's the breath of life, but these lines are, or should be, a self-sufficient sentence. Instead, they feel like the latter clauses of a sentence. They might work if you replace "elicits" with "eliciting", because then both lines are of the same tense and can therefore earn a poetic licence.
The other problems are that "dawn" should have "the" and "sailor's" "a" before them. I'm sure you're trying for a meter, but in this case the meter doesn't quite justify the grammar, for me. There's a lot of promise here, though. The last two lines of verse three are really charming and powerful, as is your natural imagery. Keep working at your meter (I tear my hair out when I try to use it, so you're doing better than me), and thank you for the read

Thank you for your feedback, I will make these changes that you have pointed out. I still have much to learn of meter and poetic license.
Your feedback is always valued, Thanks again,
R T

[Thoughtjotter]

Hey Thoughtjotter

I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro

I'm sorry UnclePedro, I missed this reply earlier.
You are right, my rhyme scheme was off, along with other discrepancies and I did have the original and 1st revision posted wrong.
The first couplet was my wife's idea.(It may be best if I don't tell her though)

I've been on a crash course, studying meter and rhyme and I may have learned just a little bit. So I have done a total rewrite.
Thanks so much for your input,
R T

---

Trochaic Tetrameter alternating with
Trochaic Trimeter

Raging winds took ship and lives,
prompts the poet's rhymes.
Singing to lost sailor's wives;
Songs proclaiming; "hope survives".
Warm winds blow and spring arrives,
life and better times.

Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze,
comfort for us all.
Unseen fingers through the trees;
Sways tree branch and rustles leaves.
Morning frost upon the sheaves,
early feel of fall.

Through the canyon rock it screams,
forcing snow to fly.
Gale winds paint the winter's theme;
Waving aspen's golden sheen,
valley down below agleam,
up above, blue sky.



Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
to restless spirit, earth concedes.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam.

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely.

Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

---

Trochaic Tetrameter alternating with
Trochaic Trimeter

Raging winds took ship and lives,
prompts the poet's rhymes.
Singing to lost sailor's wives;
Songs proclaiming; "hope survives".
Warm winds blow and spring arrives,
life and better times.

Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze,
comfort for us all.
Unseen fingers through the trees;
Sways tree branch and rustles leaves.
Morning frost upon the sheaves,
early feel of fall.

Through the canyon rock it screams,
forcing snow to fly.
Gale winds paint the winter's theme;
Waving aspen's golden sheen,
valley down below agleam,
up above, blue sky.



Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
to restless spirit, earth concedes.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam.

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely.

Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."