The Hour of the Wolf

[rowens]

This deserves to be taken seriously more than the poem that was moved earlier. Though if you went through it and made changes on your own it would be better suited for well-deserved critique.

Deadly quiet,
at the lonesome shack;
the darkest hours from which
there's no way back.
Deep in the woods
the suitcase he brings,
full only with despairing things.
No rest for him, even in
this quiet lonely place;
there is no exit from,
no place to run.


There's no problem with "Deadly quiet" or "lonesome shack" or "the darkest hours", but the other words in those lines, and the punctuation, are examples of what's wrecking the poem. The "at the" and the "from which": your wording is drowning those already difficult to sound strong phrases that I think are important.

". . . the darkest hours . . . there's no way back": that is strong, the idea is strong, but the wording makes it sound weak. ". . . the suitcase . . . despairing things": the same strength and the same problem.

I could go ahead and go through the rest of the poem here. And I might in a little while. Or maybe you could switch this one with the one in the Serious section, or have them both there.