05-12-2014, 08:50 AM
L3 would so better as a new sentence. I think the wording obviates the need to use a semi-colon. I think maybe a line breaks after L6. Maybe end the sentence at L11, unless "a blind cry away from morning" refers to what follows, rather than to sleep. Not really sure what you mean by "a blind cry" either. If it remains a sentence I would use em dashes at beginning and end of, "a blind cry away from morning". If not begin sentence at L12 "Thinking about..." also a new sentence at L15. The middle section is confusing.
"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes..."
Does she awake from a nightmare (this was mt first reading) or does she simply wake up, and begin ruminating on these things causing her to cry. "Blind cry" is still problematic for me.
These lines seem unnecessarily ambiguous:
"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."
Does that mean in the future her children are successful? She's in hell, and they're in heaven?"
For me the poem is more "Abstruse" than the subject of it. She seems like a normal woman/mother, nothing about her seems difficult to understand. She was raised in a religion that scared a person with hell. Intellectually she no longer believes in it, but has yet to overcome the programing. This describes a lot of people. She wants a better lot in life and thinks that getting it will make her happy. Again nothing out of the ordinary.
The poem is poignant no doubt, but does not seem to live up to the title. I don't usually take exception to titles, but here I will. Primarily titles don't give much insight into the poem, but in this instance it appears as though it will, but on the whole seems more contradictory than anything.
Dale
"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes..."
Does she awake from a nightmare (this was mt first reading) or does she simply wake up, and begin ruminating on these things causing her to cry. "Blind cry" is still problematic for me.
These lines seem unnecessarily ambiguous:
"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."
Does that mean in the future her children are successful? She's in hell, and they're in heaven?"
For me the poem is more "Abstruse" than the subject of it. She seems like a normal woman/mother, nothing about her seems difficult to understand. She was raised in a religion that scared a person with hell. Intellectually she no longer believes in it, but has yet to overcome the programing. This describes a lot of people. She wants a better lot in life and thinks that getting it will make her happy. Again nothing out of the ordinary.
The poem is poignant no doubt, but does not seem to live up to the title. I don't usually take exception to titles, but here I will. Primarily titles don't give much insight into the poem, but in this instance it appears as though it will, but on the whole seems more contradictory than anything.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.